


Dave/John. in high school with mixed feelings

by karkatshipper



Category: Homestuck
Genre: ... - Freeform, Cutting, M/M, Multi, Self-Harm, Yaoi, maybe smut later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-25 07:59:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 31,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3802762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karkatshipper/pseuds/karkatshipper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>my otp Dave/ John. My headcanon for them is that Dave's life sucks and he hates himself, the only reason he is a life is cause he loves John. Who is completely clueless about it. Karkat likes Dave a lot and trys to get him all the time. They all are starting high school and the teachers are some characters a don't really like I'm just lazy and didn't put them in the tags but whatever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. high school yay

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic I'm posting its going to be bad I think but if you guy's want to i'll continue it. I'm sorry for my bad spelling and bad grammar I'm typing on a shity phone but I want to try and write my otp which is dave/John I love it with all my life. God I swear my normal I just have no straight ships.

You wake up to your alarm screaming. You sleepily hit it turning it off, the clock read 7:00 am. Had better get up you think to yourself as you slowly get out if bed. You slowly get changed into a simple red t-shirt as the early sun comes though your window. 

As you finish getting changed you hear someone moving around outside of your room. Looking at the clock you finally decide to go face the one out side your room.

"Where are you going?" He said obviously high not a surprise you guess. 

"school. you know my first day of high school." You said trying to leave without starting an argument. You head out the door as fast as you could not looking back. You plug in your headphones and turn it up ignoring the world. 

As you come up to your new high school you unplug them. Focusing back to the world just in time to hear your name being called.

"dave!" Someone called your name making you stop.

"hey John where have you been." You say to your only real friend. 

"nothing much how about you mr.strider." He said making a somewhat big deal of your last name like it's important. 

"you know just trying to survive." You said knowing he wouldn't understand what you really meet. 

"yeah this is big uh high school i can't wait." John said smiling revealing his buck teeth that you loved. He never understood your problems, fuck you never had the guts to tell your best and only real friend that you are weak, that you hate your life, that you love him. He would probably stop talking to you and tell everyone. 

"yeah just seems like yesterday we were putting up with mrs. bitch" You said keeping up your poker face. No one not even bro knew about you and your thought about yourself. 

"yeah she was the worst even i got in trouble by her." He said as you made your way to the doors. You get in the school looking it over. You follow John, him knowing some classes from open house that you never go to. 

Bro is always too busy, lazy or high. You and John enter a classroom full of faces that were half familiar to you. You both head to the back of the room and take a seat in two empty desks. You sit in silence listening to the other idiots in the room some are up in the front of the room making a fool of themselves.

From behind your shades you watch your friend, your crush, your love. If only he knew what he did to you. If it wasn't for him You would be dead, you would have lost this battle with yourself.

With only bro sometimes taking care of you and being made fun of most of your life. When you meet John he gave you a reason to live. You had a date to do it and you were going to go though with it. As the bell rang and the teacher came in. You hate teachers they all ways tell you what to do, or to take off your shades, or they tell you that you will never amount to anything making it all worst. 

"Take your seats." The teacher said to the idiots. "Sunglasses off." He said looking at you.

"nope sorry." You said knowing exactly what he's going to say.

"What? This is my class and you will take them off." He said heading to your seat.

"sorry sir but he never takes them off." John said trying to help you. 

"I don't care. Take them off." He said looking down at you. You stay still and speak calmly . 

"im not taking them off no matter what okay. just teach the class please, if im a problem ill leave." You said knowing what he'll do.

"I don't have time I'm calling your parents." He said turning to his phone. 

"i dont have parents just my bro and he might not answer." You said correcting him.

"Then I'll call your bro." He said dialing the number. "Yes this is Mr. Noir from Skyea high school. Mr. Strider here refuses to take off his shades." He pauses and look your way. "It's a distraction in class and he must take them off." He said before listening to your bro's shit and hanging up the phone. "No matter class lets continue." He said giving you one last look. 

Some teachers make you leave, some feel bad after hearing bro and just let have your shades. You're a little surprised that he let you stay. He hands out some servery it had different hobbies and intersects like reading, dancing, signing,etc. Off to the side you put rapping, sword fighting, and making shity comics. He just wastes time telling the students about his life and you just tone out and go back to starring at John.

He's just so close and you can barely hold it. You lean in a little closer and breath in his small then quickly lean back making sure no one saw. That was definitely _not_ cool and being cool is the only thing you got. You aren't cool at all you just let people think that.

As the class drags on you let your mind wonder to anything. You start day-dreaming which you do a lot with you just having one friend and your bro always an asshole. Your day-dream went to one of your favorite subject. You image a world were you confess to loving him and he is cool with it and you end up dating. 

After awhile the bell rings freeing you of this shit. You fellow John before he stops.

"you have that class." He said pointing to your math class. "have fun." He said knowing you hate math. Not that your bad at it just that it makes you seem like the nerd you really are.

"where are you going?" You said hoping it seems like a question a friend would ask and not someone who loves him. 

"don't worry after class i be here taking you to our next class so you don't get lost." he said as he turned. You watch him go until he disappeared in the crowed. You get to the class and move to the back sitting in the corner of the room. You sigh and look around the room.

The teacher's name was written on the broad it read Mrs. Peixes. You take a set next next to someone your cool with.

"HEY WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?" The black hair kid said.

"hey karkles, not much just shut up in my house." You said ignoring his stupid grin. You have know that he has had a crush on you. 

"SHOULD OF SAID SOMETHING WE COULD OF HUNG OUT OR SOMETHING." He said his cheeks a little pink. 

"no bro, was busy all summer its cool." You said trying to put him down easy. 

"OH OKAY MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME THEN." He said turning away.

"maybe." You said hiding a sigh.

"-Everyone be quite now class )(as began" the teacher said.

 _wow she is annoying how can i go though the whole year like this_ , you think rolling your eyes. 

"You'll be )(aving a small test today just to sea w)(at you know" she said just giving you a look and moving on not really caring about your shades. 

Cool one less call to bro you thought as you filled out the test as best as you could. Once you finish you lean back in your chair looking over the room again. Your eyes land on karkat who is looking right at you. After awhile you start fidgeting with the large bracelets on your wrists making sure nothing was showing.

God did you hate being starred at especially by karkles it would be different if it was John but he would never do that. He was the best but he will never like you back never. He can't take a hint, you have dropped little hints, said 'i love you' in a "friendly" way and he freaked out. Before you knew it class was over and you left in a hurry but not before karkat was at your side.

"WHAT CLASS DO YOU HAVE NEXT?" He said walking a little too close.

"not sure. john said he knew and was taking me to my next class." You said looking around for him glad your shades hid it. After a minute or two the dorky idiot you love come over smiling like an idiot making you smirk. Fuck don't smile, don't smile you thought when his eyes meet yours. 

"hey karkat! what you up to." He said breaking you from your thoughts. 

"NOTHING JUST WATCHING THIS ASSHOLE BEFORE HE GETS IN TROUBLE." Karkat said. 

"what class do you here next?" John said standing next to you. _Fuck be cool, be cool_ you thought Taking a deep breath.

"ROOM 413." He said. 

"great we all have the same class together!" John said pulling you and karkat in a group hug. You allow yourself a small smile as he squeezed you tight in the group hug. You notice karkat looking at you and you can tell he's jealous of John and that he can make you smile. Karkats great and all and if you had meet him before John maybe but fuck John's just...perfect you thought as you break the hug. 

John leads you and karkat to the class room it was different but kind of cool. You all sat next to each other you behind John and karkat sat across from you. The teacher was late by five minutes.

"well more kids wwhatevver my name is Mr ampora and i don't sugar coat it if any of you got something say, say it noww" he said. 

You laughed and gave John a slight nudge when you heard the way he talked. 

"wwhat about you sunglasses?" He said and you were barely able to stop yourself from laughing 

"im not taking them off if thats what you mean." You said resisting the urge to say ' wwhat' in stead.

"wwhatevver" He said turning away.

The rest of the day runs by rather fast. At lunch karkat again tried to ask you out. making everyone uncomfortable. When last class come around you and John somehow ended up talking about how karkat likes you. Talk about awkward. 

"i mean karkats not bad but i have my sights on someone else and he is clueless." You said trying not to blush.

"...he?" He said uncomfortable 

"yeah." you sighed. 

"hey you want to hang out later after school?" He said after some awkward silence surprising you. 

"Yeah dude I'd love to." You making sure not to get your hopes up. 

As the bell rang dismissing you, you went and texted Bro saying your hanging with John knowing he's off with someone being stupid. You and him meet up and went to a park after school your usually hangout. You and him went to the top of the equipment and sat looking at everyone else below. 

"so how was your summer?" You ask leaning back and looking at the sky it being almost just like John's eyes. _Fuck stop thinking like that it so stupid._

"it was kind of lonely actually i missed you. whenever summer comes around your always lock up in with bro and you don't really chat anymore but it was still cool." He said 

You had to almost scream at yourself so you didn't blush. 

"sorry just bros busy a lot and stuff and i couldnt just ask him to hang out with you. you know how he can be." You said looking John over. _He's so perfect well almost perfect he's 'not a homosexual'_ you thought.


	2. Love sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning! In this chapter Dave cuts. This chapter starts right where the last one ended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is shity I hit writer block a lot doing this. Just to tell you guys my friend who know nothing about homestuck want to be in this so he will be bros friend but wouldn't come in for awhile. Sorry for me rambling. Here you go...

"yeah but bro is still cool i guess." John said trying to keep conversion. You lay back relaxing and let your gaze drift to him. You don't care for talking that much you just like being around him. _i_ _just wanted to be with him in anyway possible. even if its just as a friend i owe him my life wow thats so cheesy,_ you thought. After some time John started fidgeting.

"whatever go and play on the fucking swings." You said knowing what he wants to do. You holding back a smile as he runs down to the swings. After a minute you head down with him and sit in a swing next to him. John started swing high enough to worry you a little.

"truth or dare?" He said turning the swings so he was hitting you with it.

"really? why you always go there?" You said smirking trying not to smile.

"come on it's fun. just pick one please." John said looking at you.

"fine." You rolled your eyes. "dare." You know he gives bad dares nothing too bad.

"umm i dare you to..." He paused looking at the ground. "i know, i dare to take off your shades."

"no way."

"why not it's just me and you, please." He said with his puppy dog face. _f_ _uck, fuck dont look at me like that, fuck stay cool,_ you thought.

"sorry no it takes more then a dare to get these off." You said barely able to keep your poker face.

"then what would it take to get them off." He said still with his puppy face. _why so fucking cute,_ you thought hoping he would drop it.

"id only take them off for someone i love and someone i trust." You said thinking _he is the only one i love or trust._

"you trust me though, right?"

"of course i do. its just...never mind. they stay on." You say hoping to he'd drop it. "truth or dare?"

"..truth." He said a little unsure.

"you crushing on anyone?" You said. _better not be, i dont care. if i cant have you then you need someone good for you and i need to know who_ , you thought.

"..yeah but it just that a crush." He said nervously kicking his legs.

"who is it?" You said trying to stay clam.

"not saying, sorry besides they don't like me back." He said.

"you are telling me now. who is it?" You said a little too protective.

"no you got to keep your shades on i get to get my crush to myself." He said sticking out his tongue.

"youre such a dork." You said ending the dumb game of truth or dare. You end up pushing him in the swing. You were going to suggest something when his phone vibrated.

"i got to go. see you tomorrow." He said grabbing his things and headed off. "text me, okay"

"yeah see you." You said watching him go "i love you idiot." You said when he was out of earshot.

You stay there sitting in a swing for awhile just rerunning things in you head making sure you didn't say anything stupid. You eventually got up and headed home. Once you left the park your stalker found you and headed your way.

"HEY SURPRISE SEEING YOU HERE." He said.

"is it really? karkat come on we both know you are hopelessly in love with me and you fellow me around." You said though your tight shut teeth. _god why cant things be different i hate this,_ you thought walking away.

"SO. YOU ALWAYS HANG AROUND JOHN. WHAT YOU LIKE HIM?" He said coming up next to you.

"shut the fuck up." You said trying to stay cool.

"YOU DO! YOU DO LIKE HIM. WHAT THE FUCK. WHY HIM? HE'S WAY TOO NICE AND CLUELESS ." He said as your poker face started breaking.

"you shut the fucking up now i mean it." You said clenching your hands in fists.

"WAIT, DOSE HE KNOW? I'LL TELL HIM." He said and you turn to face him wanting to hit him and hurt him.

"you shut the fuck up or youll regret it." You said barely able to hold back.

"WHAT YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?" He said with a evil grin.

You break and push him hard into a wall of a old building you were passing.

"i swear you had better shut up." You said shoving him hard against the wall knocking the wind out of him.

"N-NEVER." He managed after getting his breath back. "I FINALLY HAVE SOMETHING ON YOU."

"what does that fucking mean asshole." You said holding your fist inches from his face.

"IT MEANS THAT YOU ARE MINE AND IF YOU SAY NO I'LL TEL HIM." He said pushing off then turns so you are against the wall.

"never, i would never be with you." You said quieter not realizing you were screaming.

"OKAY I CAN CALL HIM RIGHT NOW." He said holding you by your shirt collar and pulled his phone.

"no you wouldnt." You said freaking out a little.

"SH. YES, HEY JOHN WHAT ARE DOING?" He said and you freeze. _no way, no fucking way,_  you thought when you hear John's voice on the other end.

"I GOT SOMTHING TO TELL YOU." He said glaring at you.

"karkat..." You said reaching for this phone.

"IT'S ABOUT DAVE."

"dont you even dare." You almost scream.

"GUESS WHO HE LIKES?" He said with a grin.

"Karkat...fine." You said barely above a whisper.

"What was that?" He said leaning closer.

"you fucking heard me." You said almost begging.

"JOHN I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO SEE YOU LATER." He said moving closer to you. He hanged up and put a hand over your shoulder. You fix the small cracks in your poker face.

"That makes us dating you got that." He said his face way too close to your's.

"Whatever." You said looking away.

He pulled you way form the wall and grabbed a hold of your hand. He pulled you with him almost making you fall.

"What now?" You ask pulling your hand back. 

"YOU DO WHAT I SAY WHEN I SAY IT OR ELSE." He said pulled your arm around him. _why does this happen to me?_ you thought forcing yourself not to pull away. He walked to his place pulling you along.

"WELL..."

"Well what." You said as the the two of you get to his door.

"GOODBYE KISS." He said turning to face you. n _o! no! if anyone gets my first fucking kiss it would be john...hed never, ever though._ You rolled your eyes  
And forced yourself not to pull away again. He warped his hand around your throat and tightens his grip.

He pulls your face closer and pushes his lips against your's. You lose it and pull away from him and his grip. He glares at you before disappearing behind the door. You turn and let your head hang.

You head home letting your emotion show. You don't want to go home, anywhere but there bro would either still be high and clueless or sober and an asshole. He might even have someone over and if so you won't get any sleep. As you come up on your house you fix yourself making seem like you're fine which you certainly aren't.

You open the door and listen for a minute. No he's not home good you thought heading to your room. You lock your door as soon as you close it force of habit you guess.

"fuck this shit again." You said as you shakily take out a small box from under your bed.

You open it and look at it shaking your head you grab a razor. _god Im a fucking idiot, i should have let him tell him, finally have a reason for him to know,_ you thought as you hesitantly brought up a razor to your arm. You let your mind wonder as you slice a cut over your other scars. Fuck you hate this you hated it so much, it's so gross and bad.

You lean back and grabbed a somewhat clean rag that was also in the box. You hold it over your wrist watching as it turns red, soaking in your Blood. You quickly grab some bandages and push the box away not wanting to see them anymore. You wrap them up and put on a long sleeve shirt hiding them.

You kick the box back under your bed when you hear your phone go off. You pull it out and smile a little when you see John's Blue text. You fall on your bed and pull it close as You read his message.

**(ectoBiologist started chatting with truntechGodhead)**

**EB: hey! dave. what was karkat talking about earlier? man come on he knows your crush and i don't come on i thought we were best bros....tell me!.... please i don't know how to do a puppy face on here but please**

You freeze not knowing what to say.

**(turntechGodhead logged on)**

**TG: dude im sorry okay but he found out and is using it as blackmail i would never tell who i got the hots for okay drop it**

_i hate this, god why cant i fucking tell him,_ You thought.

**EB: how is he using it as blackmail?**

_okay just drop a hint_ , you thought trying not to be stupid.

  
**TG: its complicated...he tried to tell him that i like him**

**EB:....him?**

You let your head hang and the phone fall out of your hand. You type out, yeah ...i love him, before typing.

**TG: yeah g2g**

**EB: okay bye :p**

**(turntechGodhead logged off)**

You turn it off and tossed it away.

"goddamn it John was so perfect, why so clueless." You said to yourself.

You fall asleep barely holding back some tears. You dream of the bright blue eyes you love and the dark Brown ones controlling you with him.

The rest of the week went by rather slow. Karkat still dragging you wherever he went. When he did anything weird around John, it would freak him out and almost always make him leave. The teachers aren't as bad now that they all talked to bro who you've only seen like a few time this week. _wh_ _ere the fuck is he...watch him be at his exs house_ , you thought.

You stop when you phone vibrant telling you, you got a message. You quickly check it as karkat tries to take it from you. When you see it's John, you tell him you're busy and that you'll talk to him later. Karkat is still an asshole but not as bad as before, like you said before he's great and you had meet him before John who knows.

"WELL YOU GOING HOME OR WHAT ASSHOLE?" He said with you're arm warped around him.

"whatever, where do you want to go." You said knowing it was useless trying to get away.

"MOVIE." He said leaning his face closer to your's.

"alright. romcom right?" You said not pulling away from him. He isn't the worst, he knows a lot more about you then you thought and he is kind of caring you guess.

You walk with him to the theater allowing him to lay his head on your shoulder. You pull out what money you had not that much at all. You go and buy tickets to the shitiest romcom that they had.

"thats all the money i had no snacks." You said handing him his ticket.

"THAT'S FINE I JUST WANT THE MOVIE." He said walking with you to the movie.

You go and take a seat in the back but karkat pulls you with him to the front. You sit next to him and let him lay against you. As the light fades black you close your eyes and image it was John not karkat. As the shitty movie go on you try to focus on something, anything not the shitty romcom and ended up focusing on him. As the movie come to an end he leaned closer and kissed your cheek blushing.

"What do you want now?" You said hoping he'd go home or at least yet you leave.

"YOUR HOUSE?" He asked as if you were allowed to say no.

"whatever just know my bro has sex toys around." You said not really caring anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know about karkat, he is actually my favorite character but in this he is kind of an ass I swear he'll get better maybe. When I write I just let it go and see where thing end up at.


	3. Dave: man up and tell him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat is more understanding about Dave's love for john and tell him to go be with him. But Dave is a little shit when it comes to his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any errors, my beta was busy but I'll edit it when I can.
> 
> Oh and my friend want to be in here sorry but he begged so he is like dating bro. And he wants to be called......storm don't ask why I have no idea.
> 
> And sorry I'm typing this my phone so I have no idea how to make their message match their colors.

"hey bro this is my boyfriend." You said as you and karkat entered your house.

"Hey, how long have you two been together?" What a fucking surprise, his voice was clear not slurred or clouded it was weird but better.

"FOR ABOUT A WEEK." Karkat said looking around the room and his gaze landed on a big pile of plush.

Bro held out a fist to karkat, who had did the same meeting as a fist bump.

"come on lets go." You said pulling him to your room. You move and fall on your bed leaving karkles to stand in the middle of the room looking around.

"IT'S A FUCKING MESS." He said after a minute or two. "YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THE FLOOR."

"cleaning is something i dont do often." You lay back looking a the ceiling.

"YOU NOT TAKING THEM OFF?" He said moving to sit on the bed.

"taking what off? my shades?" You said adjusting them on your face.

"YEAH, TAKE THEM OFF WE'RE ALONE, AND I AM KIND OF YOUR BOYFRIEND. SO TAKE THEM OFF." He said reaching for his phone in case you didn't, which you weren't going to.

"look i never take them off okay, not even for john okay." You turn facing him as he picks up his phone.

"karkles.." You said quietly.

He slowly reaches up for your shades. _no_ _! no no karkat, why is it a big deal my eyes are horrible not normal, or cool._ You think as he takes them off, and you let him, fuck, you actually fucking let him.

"...WOW, I DIDN'T THINK THEY WERE RED.." He said in awe.

 _whatever my eyes are demonic and fucking ugly,_ you thought looking away. Knowing your eyes are unblocked from the world you hate it so much.

"can i put them back on now, please?" You said said holding out your hand.

He blinks a few times breaking his trance.

"Y-YEAH." He choked out handing you back your shades.

You quickly put them back on still hating you and your weird eyes.

"WHY DO YOU HIDE THEM?" He moved closer almost leaning on you.

"i dont hide them i just need want anyone seeing them yet, is that a problem?" You said fidgeting with your wrists.

Your kind of grateful, you guess, him being is stopping you from doing more stupid stuff. After awhile of stupid awkward silence he moves closer and slowly dozes off.

"night asshole." You whisper as he falls asleep. Soon after your phone vibrated. You pick it up and smile a little when you see blue text.

**(ectoBiologist started chatting with turntechGodhead)**

**EB: hey! Dave i'm bored :( you want hang out tomorrow?**

You shift a little under karks and start typing, hell yeah I'd love to, then change it,

**(turntechGodhead logged on)**

**TG: If karkat lets me he's kind of clingy.**

**EB: cool, he'll say yes I know. we come go see a movie or something.**

**TG: Yeah dude see you then.**

**(turntechGodhead logged off)**

You waited to see his name fade telling you he was now offline.

"love you john." You softly whispered and laid back, karkat still glued to you.

You wake up to a unfamiliar sound roaring through the home. You quickly get up, thankful that karkat wasn't in your room. You exit your room excepting to have one of those plush rumps thrown at you. You stop dead and looked around it was clean, actually fucking clean.

"what the fuck? who did this?" You said and bro and karkat stop and look up at you smiling. "its way to early for this shit." you added rubbing your eyes.

"Dave it's ten, I've been up since seven." Bro said, _this must be a record still sober,_ you thought.

"why?"

"HE'S GOT A "FRIEND" COMING OVER." Karkat announced.

"He is just a friend, for now at least." Bro said picking up a few stray fuck puppets.

"oh my god i am not staying around for this shit come on karks lets bounce."

"No Davey I want him to meet you, look he means a lot to me okay." Bro said looking serious.

"fine. but if i hear any fucking moaning or shit, im out." You said and he just nods continues cleaning.

You and karkles absconded to the kitchen, he sits as you pour yourself some cereal.

"by the way john wants to hang out today. i told him it was up to you and he said youd be fine with it so i guess me and him are going to see a movie or something." You said as you eat.

"OKAY WHATEVER." He said giving you permission. _what the fuck really letting me hang out with the guy i love instead of you what got into you karks?_ You thought surprised a little.

"thanks karkles." You said as you both go back to your room. On the way you pass bro and he is actually making a fucking effort to clean the house. _who the fuck is this guy if he makes bro fucking clean..would i do that for john?....of course._ You thought glancing at kar.

Not long after John messages you.

**(ectoBiologist started chatting truntechGodhead)**

**EB: hey dave so we hanging out soon?**

**TG: yeah karks is cool with it and get this bro is actually fucking cleaning the house.**

**EB: what made him want to clean? last i came over he said cleaning was for girls.**

You can't help but let out a small laugh, getting Karkat's attention. He glances at your screen and shifts uncomfortably when he saw his blue text.

**TG: he says some guy he likes is coming over so i guess it a big deal.**

**EB: i guess that's cool i wish i had somebody, seeing you and karkat and everyone else just makes me feel lonely, you know?**

Holy shit, why does this happened as soon as you get with kar a spot opens up with John, goddamn it.

**TG: youll find someone i know, trust me. just give it sometime beside its complicated with Kar hes just blackmailing me but i guess its fine, he is not the worst.**

You feel karkat tense a little as he reads what you wrote. _fuck John dont notice that i rambled, why does this shit have to be so hard._  You thought as he replied.

**EB: is it that bad? if your not happy that it's not right. tell karkat to loosen up and be caring, i think that's what... boyfriends do i don't know.**

"YOU LOVE HIM DON'T YOU?" Karkat said finally breaking the awkward silence.

"yeah..."

"...THEN GO BE WITH HIM." he said with a sigh. "AND I DON'T MEAN JUST HANGING OUT GO FUCKING MAKE A MOVE ON HIM OR I'LL TELL HIM. YOU CAN'T JUST HIDE IT FOREVER TRUST ME I KNOW."

"so i can go back to following him like a lost puppy dog." You almost smile, almost.

"yeah..." He said his gaze Falling to the floor.

"thanks i guess, you are great karkat sorry i meet him before you." You said with a small smirk and slowly lean in kiss to him.

He slightly blushed and looked away.

**TG: it all cool hes all lose and shit. he say go and have fun with whoever i want.**

You type it out "I love you" but you quickly delete it and sigh.

"DUDE FUCKING TELL HIM I MEAN IT OR YOU WILL REGRET IT." He said glaring at your screen.

"shut up i got a plan okay." You said getting up.

**TG: Okay egbert Ill meet you up in twenty. we can watch a movie see you then**

**(turntechGodhead logged off)**

"WHAT'S THE PLAN?"

"to woo him, show him what he is to me." You said grabbing a few thing's.

You walk out with Kar as bro's friend came in. He was normal you guess.

"Hey dude this here is Davey." He puts his hands on your shoulders shaking you a little. "And this is Dave's bf."

What the fuck. this guy? This guy got bro up and fucking cleaning. _what did bro see in him, yet again what do i see in John...control yourself Dave_ , you thought looking at bro "friend".

He had a certain thing about him that screamed idiot but form the way acted he seemed smart. _i didnt have time for this shit._ You think as you pull karkles out with you.

He walks with you for awhile, before he stops.

"GO GET HIM OR I'LL TELL HIM, OR I WILL. I DIDN'T GIVE UP ON YOU FOR NOTHING." He said looking away slightly blushing. "C-CAN I GET ONE LAST..K-KISS?" He asked

You nod and lean closer deciding to fuck it all. You warp an arm around him pulling him closer and lean into the kiss.

"...um..." someone close by coughs getting your attention, and you freeze when you see who it is.

"Um hey john.." _fuck did i just blow it._

"DAVE WE NEED TO TALK." Karks said with a wink.

"yeah, what is it? i cant leave bro waiting." You play along knowing what he is doing making you slightly smirk.

"DAVE I.. LIKE YOU A LOT BUT, NOW I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST IT WE ENDED IT." He said pulling away with one last sigh.

"oh no, dave. i'm so sorry. you two were kind of cute." John said at your side. You had to hold back from hugging him until he does exactly that. You and karkat share a small smile as you hug back. "now that you two aren't dating does that mean you'll stop hogging him? i want to hang with my best bro."

"yeah, just play nice." He said with a grin and John instantly let go.

 _fuck kar! nice you some how made this more awkward then it was to began with._ You though as you shift uncomfortably.

"um...so the movie?" John said changing the subject. _thank you john, god was that awkward,_  you thought.

"yeah, so see you karks i guess." You said and pull him in a hug. "thanks i owe you one." You whisper

"TEXT ME LATER OKAY." He said pulling back and started walking away.

You turn and start walking with John, it just sinks in what you were planing to do. You shove your hands in your pockets, holding the note and charm necklace. You quickly get the tickets, fuck at this rate bro will notice his money is missing first kar, now John. You thought as you both head to the movie room.

He sits in the back mentioning for you to sit next to him.

"aren't you afraid that karkat might tell who your crush is now that you aren't with him." He asked.

"no he broke it off and we came to terms with that shit, its cool." You said shifting.

"oh okay." He said and the silence returns.

The lights soon fade and you are left with John sitting next to you. From behind your shades you can see the lights dance across his face, when he smiles at something on the screen you lightly laugh.

"so how is your classes been?" _wow why am i this nervous its just john, thats exactly it he makes im so fucking nervous._

"they've been good i guess but hard. but that's high school." He looks over at you with his ice blue eyes melting you a little.

"yeah most people are just asshole but whats new." you said trying to keep your voice under control. "i dont care about grades and shit." Such a lie, you have all A's and one B.

"whatever coool kid." _god why is he so fucking adorable_ you think meeting his blue gaze from behind your shades.

_Just give it to him, find a reason to give it to him now dave! Now stop chickening out dave this is pathetic, man the fuck up._

"so..." You start as you slowly pull out the note.

"what is it?" He gives you that smile, his clueless, adorkable, buck toothed smile.

"its n-nothing." You shove it back in your pocket.

"dave, what is it?" He said turning in his chair to look at you.

You close your eyes wishing you could disappear. About a minute later you feel his hand in your pocket and you tense up a little. j _ohn dont this is stupid, im stupid. DONT READ THAT NOTE,_ you thought. He took out the note missing the charm necklace.

"i'll read it later i guess, can't see it in the dark." he said turning over the note.

"umm please just don't freak out, okay?" You barely hold back from taking it back.

"why would i freak out?" He said looking back at the screen.

You stay silent and continue looking at him. You sit back trying to think of something, anything besides this but fail.

Before you know it the movie is over and the light come back on. John immediately grabs the note and starts unfolding it.

"john please wait until i leave, okay?" You said putting a hand over his without realizing and you quickly pull back.

"are you sure? if this is important to you don't you want me to see it with you?" He said still fucking clueless.

"do what you want dude. just don't freak out." you turn away back keeping looking at him as he unfolds it and starts reading it.

 

**_~john, i dont know how to do this kind of shit but...fuck it okay. john you are awesome im glad we became friends and i wouldnt change a thing. but Goddamn it why is this so hard. im sorry john but i...i...well if you are still near me when you read this then look over at me, it would be easier to show you.~_ **

 

You almost shake as his eyes move across the page processing the words that you sit here freaking out about.

He stops reading and slowly Turns to you. Fuck Dave go for it now don't you dare chicken out. You glance around quickly making sure no one was around. You slowly take off your shades still hating your eyes but you try your best to meet his gaze. His eyes grow wide and he blinks a few times.

You take a deep breath and slowly lean forward, and you smile a bit when he doesn't pull away. You keep your eyes open until your noses touched, your blood red meeting his bright ice blue. You feel him tense up some under your lips.

he is doing his best to kiss back his inexperience showing. You quickly pull away, your eyes fall to the floor.

"s-sorry...i just needed you to know." You said putting your shades back on hiding yourself again.

He just sits there frozen, _fuck looks like you broke him, nice job dave._ His blue gaze searching your shades for anything but is only meet with blackness. You pull out the necklace and lay it next to him with one last sorry you abscond.

You hurry home hating what you're about to do. You get in the door and see bro with his friend on some kind of candlelight date. You ignore them and hurry to your room. You slam your door just daring bro to come and brother you.

You go and pull out your box form under the bed. You ripe off your shades and throw them on your bed. You take out the razor barely holding back when your phone goes off. You freeze when you see John's name flashing.

**(ectoBiologist started chatting with turntechGodhead)**

**EB:....dave? Please read this.**

You stop, razor held to your wrist. You slowly put down your razor and pick up the phone.

**EB: dave you don't need to answer okay. i-i never knew i'm sorry but you didn't need to run off. i kind of talked to karkat he said that you really...love me is that right? dave i'm really sorry for kind of freezing up like that. you're great really but i said it before...i'm not a homosexual, sorry i know it must hurt. if you were a girl i would totally date you. dave i think we should talk about this in person. i'm on my way over okay, i'll be there soon.**

**(ectoBiologist logged off)**

You throw your box full of self-harming thing away, but you keep the razor out. It stops you from losing it, it stops you from doing worst. You are kind of happy John is coming over but you can't help it. you bring the blade back up and leave a small thin cut just below your others.

You stop, pulling down your sleeves and push your razor in your pocket when someone knocks on your door.

"go way bro, im busy!" You call out hoping he'd leave. But you were answered by a soft voice you were barly able to hear.

"dave. open up." He said.

You get up retrieving your shades and open the door to see john. He had a small smile on his face and looked up at you. You turn leaving the door open for him you quickly push the box back where it was, and make sure your scars were hidden.

"dave, do you want to talk about it." He said moving closer to sit on your bed.

"....not really." You look him up and down trying to find out what make you love him. _its his voice, his laugh, his eyes, his hair, you love everything about him. dave stop it now,_ you thought.

You sit next to him, gog could this get anymore awkward. You smile a little when you see that he is wearing the necklace you gave him.

"where's the match to it?" he said And started fidgeting with it.

"i have it put up." You said rubbing your neck.

"well get it out."

"um i can't its somewhere that i dont want anyone seeing." You shift a little uncomfortably. m _an why did i put it that stupid box._

"oh okay i could step out for a sec. if you want." You shake your head.

"just turn around and dont look, okay?"

"okay."He shifts so his back is to you. You quickly go to the box and pull out the other half of the necklace.

"okay i got it." You said sitting back on the bed, holding it up to show him.

Your's was half of a broken heart, almost the color of his eyes. His fits together with your's and it's exactly the color of your eyes.

He slowly takes a hold of it and pulls it closer to fit them next to each other. He smiles and looks up at you.

"look its not that i don't like you its just-"

"the fact im a guy." You cut him off.

"...not just that but you can go be with someone who loves you back."

"i dont want anyone else i just want you, and if that means just as friends then Ill take it....just dont tell anyone."

"karkat know though."

"no dont tell anyone i ran off after i kissed you. sorry about that by the way i-"

"just shut up okay, i'm not saying no to anything, just that i don't know. i do like you as a friend and if you were a girl i would date you."

"gender shouldnt matter just the fucking person." You said turning away looking at the floor. He stay quite for awhile.

"dave are you okay?" You look at him a little confused before you see blood on your hands.

 _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ You jump up and hurry to a clean rag wiping it off making sure your back was to him. You quickly warp them up.

"...d-dave?..." He said with hurt in his voice making you whinge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave keep clam.  
> John love him.  
> Karkat be cool. 
> 
> I don't even know who I ship anymore Johnkat, davekat, or davejohn. Fuck it, you know what. Everyone just date everyone.


	4. things get better...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things with John get better and Dave shows the real him for a little bit. I'm just lazy so just read.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this is long but I actually had a bad writer block.

You end up showing John and he just stared at them, kind of freaking out.

"d-dave? why?" He said at your side, his hand on your shoulder.

You break down you let it all go, all this shit you hold back from everyone. You loss it and fall to the floor. John couches in front of you and pulls you in a tight hug. You hug back without hesitation and he lets you lightly cry on him until your ready to talk.

"it's okay. i'll listen." He whispered as if talking loader might make you cry more or it might break you.

"its just everything and everyone. me, bro, karkat, my bother, teachers, people, students. it hurts, im a strider, and its not it is as cool as it looks but my whole life sucks. never meet my parents, bro thought he could take care of both me and my twin, dirk." You pause for a moment before continuing. "it was too much stress for him. he laced out at us a few times. eventually dirk ran away i have no idea where he is, what hes doing. i lost connection with him a couple mouths ago. But bro blamed me and he does what he always does, strifes, that was when i found i liked the pain. i wasnt fast enough to block his sword and it cut my arm...." You pull down your the shoulder of your shrit to show him a old but clear scar.

"what did he do then? after you got cut."

"he actually help me, he took and got it clean. then said he was sorry about it and he never brought up dirk again, like he never existed. i know he is better off alone. i was a horrible bother to him, i was so jealous of him he was awesome, caring, smart, and i was an ass to him."

"i'm sure you were great to him." John shifted to sit next to you.

"maybe but it doesnt matter anymore hes better alone and so am i." You take a minute and think of what else to say.

"go on i'm listening." He said getting you to talk.

"i have been good for awhile i only did it once in the summer but then school started up again and the teacher, the kids, karkat..."

"karkat what did he do?"

"he forced me to date him. he took my first kiss. he threatened you a few times. it hurt, as soon as it happened i ran home and cut, that was about a week ago." You pull up your sleeve and point to half healed scar.

"why did you just do it?" He said looking at your freshest scars.

"When i saw how you reacted, when i saw you freze up. i thought i hurt you, i thought you would never forgive me. so, i broke and i didnt care who might see. not even the message helped."

"you read it. i was hoping you would. and i'm sorry for freaking out, i'm just clueless. i'm sorry."

"dont you dare be sorry none of this is your fault, none of it. i just cant handle it by myself anymore. im just scared that i might not hold back and that you, or bro, or anyone will find me dead." You said that like it was a everyday thing to say and that scars you.

"well you're not alone now, i'm always here to listen. where's your razor?" _he was going to help me? maybe he is more understanding then_ you thought. He froze but he is wearing the necklace. And he is willing to listen.

"...razors" you correct him and scoot to the bed.

You look at him a little unsure before he nods. You take a deep breath and pull out the box. You open it looking away scared that you might just break again. You hear a slight gasp from John who looks in It.

"how many do you have." His voice theating to quit any second.

"around 12 i think." You say and the look in his eyes change form sad and caring to hate and caring.

"you are throwing some away now." He snaps his finger toward your trash can. You garb it and pass it to him. He lets you pick which ones to get rid of and you both decide three was enough for now. After you watch them fall in the bin you let John go though the rest of the box. He picked out a suicide note you wrote sometime ago. Not long after John starts tearing up and you wince when you see tears fall down his cheeks. When he finishes the note he pulls you into another hug.

"dave, i'm so sorry for everything. i will always be here for you." After a few minutes of this he pulls back and kisses your forehead making you blush a little."come on, we're going to my place."

You get up and fellow him out of your room after you make sure it's all back under the bed, your still not ready to tell bro you never will be.

"Where you going lil man?" Bro said looking up from talking with his "friend".

"going to Johns place." You said making sure you seemed normal.

"K play nice. Hey john meet my friend, this here is storm." He said as you pull John out the door.

You slowly walk next to him your head down.

"dave come on this isn't the real you. i want my best bro back." He said trying to lighten the mood but failed.

"sorry but the real me is locked away deep down and i dont know how to save myself."

"then i will find the key and unlock the real you. i'll make sure you're never alone again."

You walked the rest of the way in silence. You get though the door and wave to his dad before rushing up to John's room. He pulls you in a hug as soon as the door closes.

"come on." He pulls you to the bed.

You let him lead you to sit next to him.

"so anything else you want to talk about." He is closer then normal which is weird but you are not going to question it.

"not really, i just wish i wasnt so weak or alone." You said looking at the floor.

"you know when i say i'm a not a homosexual." He said taking off your shades.

"y-yeah." you look into his eyes and are as lost in them as he is your's.

"...well i have no idea if i am or not." He said a light shade of pink, making your heart skip a beat.

"what are you saying exactly?" you can't get your hopes up if that is not what he meant.

"dave, it's cool. i don't know what i like or don't like. so i'm cool with...trying." Holy shot what is happening today? First karkat let's you go, then John lets you kiss him and he is still wearing that shitty necklace, and he sees your cuts and he helps, now he is saying he us cool with "trying"

"..r-realy."

He nods biting his lip, his face now bright red.

"yeah i mean the kiss wasn't that bad it just surprised me that's up and...and-" You can tell he is starting to ramble so you do what you do best, you shut him up.

You lean forward and lightly pull him in another kiss and success in quieting him. It being only his second kiss, this was more like you tenth at least karkat is pretty needy. He did better this time, he slowly turned to his body to face you. After a minute he quickly pulled for air.

"..s-sorry"

"for what?"

"...For not knowing what to do"

"i dont care. you are letting me kiss you so im happy. and its cool i can show you, If you let me." You say nervously.

He nodded his whole face red. You slowly moved closer to push him down so you are look down at him.

"if at anytime you want to stop just say so, okay?"

"o-okay, just so we're clear we stay clothed." _gog he's so nervous._

"of course" you slowly shift to straddle him. He tenses up but doesn't look away, like your eyes put him in a trance. "sh relax." You said moving closer to his face.

He slowly relaxed and his blush started fading. He hesitantly put his arms around your back. You smile and softly kiss his cheek, making his blush come back. You slowly move to kiss him on the lips

After a few minutes of this John starts letting out small soft moan in your mouth.

"you okay?" You said not wanting him to freak out.

"y-yeah." His breath getting stuck in his throat. "d-don't..stop."

He smile going back to kissing him and you slowly slide your tongue over his lips. He lightly moans and opens his mouth. He froze as soon your tongues meet.

"you okay? what is it?"

"..i'm fine. i just don't know what to do with someone else tongue in my mouth." He was bright red which was cute but you wish he wasn't embarrassed by kissing you.

"dont be embarrassed ill show you." you whispered and pull him back in.

He nervously slide his tongue in your mouth. You smile a little and go to swirl your tongue around his, getting another small moan from him. He pulls back out of breath. Not long after this John starts squirming.

"what is it? hold still will you." He freezes under you.

"um dave how to put this i um.." You are suddenly aware of how tight his jeans are. His face goes solid red and he looks away.

"its okay." You get off him and scoot to sit next to him.

"....um dave." His voice quite as slow.

"you can take care of that right?" You said unsure.

"y-yeah....i'm going to take a shower." He carefully got up and hurried out of the room.

"okay" you said as he disappeared.

You lay back taking in the moment, _i just kissed John, i just gave John a fucking boner._

You smile, actually being happy for once, Maybe life is getting better, Maybe you can make it.

Soon John comes back He face still as red as before. You can tell he is embarrassed so you leave him be and you don't bring it up.

"i'm tired i think i'm going to get to sleep." He said turning off the light hopping in the bed.

"okay yeah after the day i had i could use some sleep." You jump into the covers and are a little surprised to feel arms around you.

You pretend to be asleep when he whispered your name. He slowly moves closer and leans over to kiss your cheek. You try and think of how things lead up to this but you fail. You lie awake for sometime even after his breath slows and he falls asleep. You turn over and look up at the ceiling as you think of everything that you love, that you can't live without. Everything that can't live without you. Their is only one thing you found for both and its John. You take a deep breath, taking it all in, his room, the dark, the quiet, his breath, his light snores, the feeling you get around him, the arms around you. It's just everything you ever wanted but knew you'd never get. you were sure that they all would hate you if you show them the real you, but you don't even know who the real you is anymore. After what seemed like ever you slowly fall asleep whispering.

"night john, love you."

The next day you wake to John getting up and it was still kind of awkward. You lay back wanting more sleep as your stomach growls. You start to get up a find something to eat but John beats you and soon bring you back some pancakes and some aj.

"so...you good today?" He said his voice concerned.

"yeah im really good but can i ask you somthing?" You rub the back of your neck.

"yeah what is it."

"well you said you dont know what you like or not, so...can i take you on a date a real date just this once. please." you prepare for his refusal but it never come.

John just stands there looking the the ground.

"um where would this date be?"

You thought for a minute nowhere fancy not enough money.

"maybe that old park?" It have a lot of good memoirs of you two.

"that sounds good. when?"

"now if you want." he said smiling. _That smile gog i loved it and hid buck teeth. Why does he have to be so cute._

"okay cool but i need to stop by my place for something."

"..what is it?"

"nothing just got to check on something."

You two quickly head to your place. You tell John to wait go outside and you head in. You are welcomed in by bro and his "friend", storm sitting in the living room. They look up from what they were looking at. You move closer when you it was your box that they were looking at.

"give me that!" You rush forward and grab the box from them but it's too late.

"....dave, I'm sorry it's my fault." He got up and moves closer.

"why the fuck were you going through my room?!" You almost scream.

"Why do you have this stuff? Show us." His friend finally speaks up. He holds out his hand and gently takes your's.

You look away when he pulls down you sleeves.

"Why?" Bro says and you can tell he is barely hold back a strife. You quickly pull away and run to your room locking the door. You go through the box making sure they didn't take anything.

"Dave open up." They said at the door. After you hide it somewhere else you go to the door opening it and walked through the door way. They are at your sides as soon as they see you.

"Dave please talk about it."

"leave me alone! i got a fucking date with john"

"Now?"

"yes now he is waiting outside for me."

Bro went to the door opening it and told John to come in.

"what is it, dave?" He said noticing how you all were acting.

"Dave has been cutting"

"i know i found out last night." He went and stood next to you, giving you what support he could.

"So you told your boyfriend but not us." You feel John tense up but he stays.

"i didnt tell him, he found out."

"Why?" Bro's voice fast and load.

"you read the note didnt you."

"Yeah but still why do this to yourself."

"can we just go?" You are close to losing it and breaking.

"no." It was his friend. "You stay, bro I think I should go text me later."

"Yeah see you next time." Bro said with a sigh.

You just want to be alone right now, we'll alone with John. You knew bro wouldn't let you go that easy.

"John you should go too."

"no i'm staying with my.." He looked up at you "with my boyfriend."

"Whatev. Now Dave sit your ass down and tell me what this is all about now."

"no i have to take john on a date. sorry asshole." You pull him out of the house.

"they found out?"

"yeah they went though my room and they found it all, my razors, my notes, all of it." You said trying to forget it all and focus on John. "just forget it okay. im fine lets just try and have fun"

"okay"

You continue walking with him to the old park. You lead him to the swings.

"so when you said boyfriend...?" You ask with a little hope in your voice.

"oh yeah..ah." _gog don't say you were kidding, please._ "i meant it but i'm still not 100% sure yet and i don't want anyone else to know yet." And you heart skipped a beat.

"yet? so does that mean i can take you out more?"

He nervously nods and kicks his feet to his own beat. everything he does and everything he is you love. Everything about him captives you, it draws you in and you are now in love with John egbert. The nerdiest, cutest, completely clueless, but gog did you want him.

You smile and go to sit in the swing next to him.

"john.."

"yeah?" He truned his head and smiled.

"i love you." He quickly looks away his face red.

"...i-i love you too." You smile and grab his arm and pull him to sit on your lap.

He tenses up, and tried to get off. You wrap your arms around him, hugging him close. He give up and relaxs a little. You smile and kissed his cheek making sure no one was around. He quickly glanced back and forth before leaning his head back to return the kiss. You cover his face in small kisses making his face redder

"so hows the date so far?" He looks forward hiding his face from you.

"it's good i guess i don't know never been on one but i like this it's fun."

You both stay quite the rest of the time just enjoying the other company. Before you know time flys by, time has alway been on your side but today it goes faster then normal. Not long after you lead him home and slowly walk back to your own house not wanting to go back there.

You slowly open the door hoping bro wasn't behind it but of course he was.

"Now you gonna talk?"

"yeah, you gonna listen."

"Depends what you got to say"

"you had better get comfy i got a lot to say." You feel as if every piece of you was falling apart right in front of bro.

"Ramble on. Tell me." He patted the spot next to him wanting you to sit next to him.

You sit in a chair across of him and start.

"well i guess i should start with why..."

You tell him everything. You tell him about the students who treat like a freak, about that time back in middle school when some girl went out with you as a joke. You even bring up Dirk which is a touchy subject with bro.

He stayed silent for sometime after you finished.

"Fuck...lil man you could of just told me instead of..."

"no If i told you, you would either be to high to understand or you would have told me to man up and get over it. plus you werent around that much so after dirk left i was alone, had to cope with it myself."

"Look Dave I'm so sorry. How long have you been...?"

"remember that strife when i wasnt able to block your sword and it cut my shoulder around that time." You are glad you still have your shapes on, they block emotions and right now you needed to keep clam.

He quickly got up and stood in front of you. You don't know what got into bro, this new guy of his must be putting him in the right. Bro kneels in front of you and pulls you in a hug. You have to think hard to remember the last time he hugged you. You wait a minute before returning it and you lose it.

You let hot tears fall from your face and onto his clothes, but he doesn't care he just hugs you tighter.

"I'll try and fix things, okay?"

"y-yeah." You manage.

"...look about Dirk...i'm sorry he left an i'm sorry i don't talk bout him." His voice shaking more then your's.

"its okay i was horrible to him."

"no you guys were close you two were great to each other."

Not long after you pull away wiping your face.

"sorry bout your shirt, got it all wet."

"Shut up, the shirt is fine now come on." he stood up and hold out hid hand helping you up.

"come on? where?"

"To work this out."

He took you to his computer, he fixed it so you never have to go to school again so no more bullying. He then tried for hours, trying to track down Dirk but nothing.

"i'm tired. gonna go to bed." You just wanted to be alone.

"Oh okay, night"

"..night"

You go to your room and smile when you see John texted you

**(ectoBiologist started chatting with turntechGodhead)**

**EB: so what did bro say?**

**(turntechGodhead logged on)**

**TG: a lot, well i mostly did the talking, now he is working this out.**

You lay on your bed reading his blue text.

**EB: what is he doing?**

**TG: well he fixed it so i dont have to go to school. bro said he could pick up the work and that he would drop it off too.**

**EB: aw you're not going to be at school anymore.**

You laugh hearing him whine about it in his everything is a joke way.

**TG: sorry dude but im still here if you ever want to "hang out"**

**EB:..that sounds fun.**

You fight your eyes to stay awake.

**TG: night John love you.**

**EB: night love you too.**

**(ectoBiologist logged off)**

You re-read those words other and other long after his name logs off. You slowly fall asleep smiling after all this, you are actually happy, you are happy John is still cool you, you're happy bro is helping but you still have an empty feeling.

You sleep in seeing that you don't need to go to school any more. You wake up to bro knocking on your door.

"Come on get up." He comes over to your bed and slowly pull off the blanket.

"no let me sleep." It feels too early but the light tells you it not.

"Your boyfriend is here." He said with a smirk.

You jump up and lock at the clock it was almost 3:00. That was a first he never let you sleep longer then noon.

"Get your ass up now or I'll send John in to get you up."

"could you do that."

With a another smirk he nods and leaves. A few minutes later John comes in.

You grab him and pull him in the bed with you. He rolls his eyes and trys to get up but he falls back down.

"give up and lay down. i want snuggles." And he blushes but lays down next to you.

"have you really slep slept all day?"

"Yeah is that a problem?"

"no i guess not." You wrap him in a hug pulling him close.

He rolls over to look at you and kisses your forehead. After awhile he trys and pull you up off the bed.

"i want to stay in bed." You whined.

"then no kisses for you." You smirk and pull him in a kiss.

"i think I can go without it, can you?"

"y-yeah of course i can." He crosses his arms and blushes.

"i know you cant resist this strider." You move and kiss his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DAVEJOHN snuggles so fucking cute otp for life.


	5. Dave stay strong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat helps Dave when he freaks out. And.....well I don't want to give it away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had writer's block still and I might not update next week because of the block and it my b-day and my matespirit has shit planed so yay. 
> 
> I'm just so happy 121 hits wow I find that awesome thank you guys. I'm thinking about trying to do zombiestuck. If you guys read it I will write it. Bye for now ❤

The next few days fly by. You have a lot more free time but you aren't as alone as before bro trys his best to stay around or he have his boyfriend stay over. John comes over a lot and well you guys have fun.

You stop doing your school work when someone texts you.

**(carcinoGeneticist started chatting with turntechGodhead)**

**CG: SO YOU AND JOHN A THIHG NOW?**

**(turntechGodhead logged on)**

**TG: yeah sorry i know you still wanting me but i got him and its all good.**

You don't want to hurt him.

**CG: IT'S FINE IF YOU BOTH ARE HAPPY I'M COOL.**

**TG: a lot of shit has happen.**

**CG: LIKE WHAT?**

_guess i Better tell him_ you thought as you type

**TG: you know why i hide my wrists?**

**CG:....why?!**

**TG: my cuts.**

Way to be up front.

**CG: YOUR WHAT!?**

**TG: my cuts i used to cut my wrists, okay? go on tell me, im stupid. tell me im useless.**

**CG: YOU'RE NONE OF THOSE THINGS NOW SHUT UP I'M COMING OVER**

**TG: no you dont need to do that im fine**

No respond, you know he was already on his way to tell you off or laugh.

Not long after bro calls out and says you got company.

"in my room karks come on in."

He comes in without a word and he sit next to you.

"you didnt need to come."

He says nothing and just pulls you in a hug.

"SHOW ME NOW."

"Why?"

"JUST SHOW ME."

You roll your eyes and slowly pull up your sleeve. When he sees them he stop and the look in his eyes change.

"look i'm fine i havent done for awhile now. i got john and even bro is helping." You pull your sleeve back down.

"i'm sorry." He whispered and you could barely hear him.

"For what?"

"I thought I was the only one..." he says to himself looking at the distant.

"what? Karkat have you..." You never thought karkat of all people but then again you don't know much about his past.

"....I used to"

You grab a hold of his arm and see his faint scars.

"I STOPPED THROUGH IT'S BEEN LONG SINCE I DID IT "

"how long?"

"One year, five months and three days"

You don't care, you pull him in a hug lightly rubbing his back.

"WHEN DID YOU LAST...DO IT?"

"a couple days i think. did you ever have slip and do it since then?"

"NO AN ONLINE FRIEND HELPED ME WHEN THINGS GOT HARD"

You nod knowing who he is talking about.

"sollux?"

"YEAH DON'T FALL FOR SOMEONE ONLINE IT HURTS."

"a little too late remember when i first meet john? it took me forever to find out he was EB, i was texting him for months not knowing he was John"

"YEAH IT WAS AWESOME TO WATCH YOU FREAK OUT ABOUT IT."

"shut up that was awhile ago."

"SO YOU TWO DATING AND SHIT?"

"i guess but you know how he is about that shit."

He sighed and looked away.

"shit guess im cursed with this strider charm you, egbert, who know who else."

"DIDN'T YOU HAVE A THING WITH YOUR TWIN ONCE?"

shit you forget you told him when Dirk left.

"y-yeah it was stupid and he ran off."

"SORRY TO HEAR."

"shut it that was long ago and i got over it okay."

"WHATEVER."

"so now that your here, what now?"

"WELL YOU SAID YOU OWED ME."

"really. what do you want?"

"YOU'LL SEE."

"let me text john."

You roll your eyes and grab your phone.

**(turntechGodhead started chatting with ectoBiologist)**

**TG: yo john you there?**

Karkat shifted impatiently. After a few minutes John finally replies.

**(ectoBiologist logged on)**

**EB: yeah what is it?**

**TG: i owe karkat something.**

**EB: what is it?**

**TG: whatever he wants and you know what he wants.**

**EB:....oh well i don't know. But it's fine as long as you remember you're mine.**

**TG: alright see later dude.**

**(turntechGodhead logged off)**

Karks just scoot closer as he reads John's message.

"so what exactly do you want?"

"I think you know." He said as he leans closer.

You roll your eyes and lean in meeting with his lips. He gets closer and moves his tongue over your lips. You try not to pull back but me does after a few seconds.

"SORRY"

"it's fine just know i'm John's"

"YEAH." He looks away, rubbing his neck.

You let karkat stay for awhile before he said he had something to do and he left. Bro had to go and dj some club said he would text you

**(ectoBiologist started chatting with turbtechGodhead)**

**EB: hey you busy?**

**TG: no, what? you want to come over?**

**EB: well i don't care where i just want to see you <3**

**TG: alright how 'bout the usually spot.**

**EB: yeah see you then :p**

**(ectoBiologist logged off)**

You text bro telling him where you were going and headed out. On the way You hear your phone go off telling you that you got another text, you assume it was bro and keep walking. You quickly get to the playground where you fell in love. You smile when you see him on the top of the monkeybars with his back to you. You slowly move closer under him and whistle at him, making him jump a little.

"dave. really you have to whistle?"

"at you? yes. but only you." You smile and climb up to sit next to him "so what is it or you just want to see me?"

"both i guess." He shoots closer and leans against you. "so things getting better?"

You sigh and wrap a arm around him, holding him close.

"yeah its all good. i got you thats everything i ever wanted."

You do the same thing you two do every day just sit together and cuddles. Though like always John needs to go early before his dad worries.

"i got to go sorry." He hugs you and kisses your cheek.

"yeah see you later babe"

"if it okay with my dad, you think i can stay over tomorrow?"

";ike all day? yeah of course."

"okay see you." He climbed down and starts walking home.

You watch him go til he disappeared and pull out your phone being bored but not wanting to go home not yet at least. You click on the screen and see the message you got earlier. It was not bro.

**(timaeusTestified started chatting with turntechGodhead)**

**TT: Hey. Dude, you there?**

You freeze, its been months since the last time you heard from him. Your fingers hover over the delete button but you just can't. He did leave you alone and pissed you off a lot, but he is still your twin and you miss him.

**(turntechGodhead logged on)**

**TG: hey its been awhile, how you doing?**

You laugh at yourself for thinking he'd talk to you. He probably has a great life now and you are nothing to him.

**TT: I'm fine I guess. How you doing. I heard bro was looking for me, what happened?**

You debate about telling him. You quickly decided against it.

**TG: you know bro but hes actually getting better. He got some guy.**

**TT: Really someone dating Bro?**

**TG: yeah hes okay i guess but i dont care i got my own guy.**

**TT: Oh you dating someone too. Looks like I'm the only single Strider here.**

_fuck dont bring up john again. just strider luck, scare off my twin by trying to kiss him, knows how long ago that was. then fall for john and as soon as you get him dirk comes back like nothing happened._

**TG: you still single? go find someone, be happy.**

**TT: I was hoping to find someone but it's not working out.**

**TT: But anyway bro he still looking for me?**

**TG: yeah, why?**

**TG: where you at anyway?**

**TT: I'm actually on my way back to you guys.**

**TT: If you guys want me back, that is.**

**TG: yeah dude of course.**

**TG: still twins here, that aint changing.**

**TT: Good to hear I'll be there in the morning.**

**TG: where you going to be at ill come and get you.**

**TT: No it's fine I can get their myself but let Bro know I'm coming, okay?**

**TG: yeah, of course.**

**TG: so ill see you in the morning.**

**(turntechGodhead logged off)**

You can't help but smile as you walk home. Bro wasn't back when you got there, still at his gig. You lay back on the couch hoping Dirk was serious about coming back. He said he was a few time. You fall asleep as you watched some stupid show.

You wake to the load bang of bro getting home. You jump up and rub your eyes.

"Hey darvy." _and he got fucked up of course._

You hurry to your room and check what time it is, it was almost 2:00 in the morning. You remember about Dirk and quickly text him.

**(turntechGodhead started chatting with timaeusTestified)**

**TG: dude you up?**

You stare at the screen waiting. after a long wait he relies.

**TT: Yeah, I am now**

**TG: dude if i was you i wouldnt be here right now. bro went to dj some club and he came back fucked up.**

You bite you lip trying not to ramble like you do when you freak out. You take a deep breath as he replies.

**TT: So how long does it usually take for him to sober up?**

**TG:I don't know, it depends on what hes on and how much he had I dont know either so who knows.**

You feel yourself starting to freak out.

**TT: Dave? You okay? What's wrong?**

You aren't sure if you are happy or mad at the fact that he knows you so much.

**TG: im fine i swear. just at little overwhelmed i guess, im fine though.**

**TT: You don't seem fine. Is it bro? Is it me?**

**TG: no,....i dont know. its just that...**

**TG: nothing forget it**

**TT: Dave I'll be there in the morning tell me now or then but now it's okay.**

And it's back, that same feeling you had before with him. Not even John is like that. You and John are close but you and Dirk are twins. You guys know each other too well.

**TG: thanks if anything it would be better to tell you in person.**

**TT: And don't worry about bro and him being fucked up I know to deal with people like that just let them do as they wish.**

**TT: But anyway dude can I sleep some more?**

**TG: night call me when you get here.**

**TT: Cool see you then.**

**(timaeusTestified logged off)**

You sigh and fall to sit on the floor. You eye the blackness under your bed, knowing it would calm you down. Before you know what you are looking at all that shit. Your nine razors, a few notes, a few pill bottles you stoll from bro.

You crawl backwards and hit the wall, leaning against it.

"no dave just clam down. think about something else, think...think about john yeah think about his deep blue eyes and his bucked teeth" You try and clam yourself down but it wasn't working. wait John yeah if hes still up i could message him.

**(turntechGodhead started chatting with ectoBiologist)**

**TG: john!? i need to talk to someone i freaking out.**

Your breath was coming in small quick gasps making you feel like you would pass out. Which would be better then starring down your razors.

Still no response.....

**(turntechGodhead logged off)**

Okay you go though the list of people to talk to. John is most likely asleep, bro no fucking way, dirk....he'll find out sooner or later but you don't want to worry him. That leaves you person.

**(turntechGodhead started chatting with carcinoGeneticist)**

**TG: dude please be up i need to talk to someone.**

**TG: i um im sitting here starring down my razors.**

**CG: WHAT HAPPENED?**

**CG: THROW YOUR RAZORS WHERE YOU CANT SEE THEM NOW.**

**TG: so dirk is coming back, bro had some gig and came back fucked up, on top of all that im with john.**

You kick the box away not wanting anything to do with it. it calls you, and you almost answer its call. almost.

**CG: YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY IF DIRK IS COMING BACK, RIGHT?**

**CG: YOU STILL LIKE HIM, DON'T YOU?**

**TG: kind of i dont know. Its just...**

**TG: i got john now so its hard. dirk knows me the best and well we are almost identical twins the only difference is our eyes, but he is somehow hotter then me. he pulls off being a strider better then me.**

**CG: and John is?**

**TG: and john is wonderful, the best, a adorable nerd, and i love him.**

**CG: are you just saying that because you are dating him?**

**TG: no I _LOVE_ him and Dirk coming back won't change that**

**CG: you love them both?**

You wish you hadn't talked to him, cause no way is going to leave you alone.

You shift closer to the box and before you know what you are doing, you are holding one of your razors.

**CG: DAVE?**

**CG: DAVE! ANSWER ME**

**CG: NOW**

**TG: what is it?**

**TG: im trying to clam down you scream-texting me is not helping.**

**CG: sorry just answer and don't worry me, okay?**

**TG: whatever i just need some sleep.**

**CG: no you are stay on here and going to talk to me.**

**TG: talk about what?**

**CG: I don't know tell me a story or something.**

**TG: a story? what are we kids?**

**TG: whatever you want a story you got one.**

**TG: the fucked up story of my life.**

**CG: go on tell me everything.**

**TG: you asked for it.**

You close the box and push it back under your bed but you still want to. But you cant, you can't do it. You got john, karkat is okay, bro is trying. And Dirk is coming back, it all just stressful.

**TG: so all our parents died when me and dirk were three. i dont remember anything so i cant say i miss them. bro was actually my age back then.**

**TG: he tried his best to help us out, and he kept us together. by the time he was 15 he started drinking and shit, he was always fucked up. and one time he came home with one of his thousands of fuck buddies. dirk told him to stop and take care of us. thats the difference between me and him. dirk stands up for himself and he always tried to help me.**

**TG: anyways when dirk told him off, bro lost it. that when he started the strifes. he scarred us up pretty good.**

**TG: that went on and on til we were around ten. i finally realized what dirk meant to me. i fucked it up and the night of our birth-day. i told him and tried to kiss him he freaked out said he didnt know what to think. the next morning he ran off. he left a note, he said it was okay to like him but he didnt know and that he would keep in touch. he did for a little while, and he tried coming back but never did.**

You wait thinking of what else to write.

**CG: go on.**

**TG: things just got harder after he left. bro acted like he didnt exist, he hated me. the strifes continued and one time i miss blocking his sword he cut my shoulder, i still got a scar from it. it was what made me think of cutting. at first i only did it every now and then, not often. and middle school was the worst full of asshole kids and teachers.**

You sit there not sure what else to type.

**CG: come on tell me more**

**TG: not much else just that i meet john and he kept from killing myself. then we all started high school, you practically forced me to go out with you. i moaned up and told him how i feel then bro and his friend storm found my razors and shit. now im with John and dirk is coming back.**

**TG: thats all**

**CG: you sure that's it**

**TG: for now yeah.**

**(turntechGodhead logged off)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is slowly turning on to stridercest which I love. Gog it's so hard to keep all my ships happy everyone just date everyone


	6. Dirk or john?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just read I don't want to give anything away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks you guy I never thought it would got 170+ hits. I was just think hey could write good fanfic too? So I got an account and now I'm here thanks

Not long after your talk with Karkat, you fell asleep. You dream of the perfect world you never get. In this perfect world, Dirk comes back, John and him Are both cool with you liking him. You somehow end up in a three way relationship. Does that even have a name? You thought to yourself.

You wake up to your phone going off and you quickly stop it. Wait you don't recall setting an alarm.

You sit up and after seeing Dirk called, you head to him. Thankfully bro was gone again, probably at storm's place. You quickly get to the front door and open it. There he is, the other you. You freeze, it's been Years since You saw him, he looked just like you, expect, his hair was a little longer and messier, his skin a bit darker then your, and his eyes. He was always cool with his eye color. A bright orange, like gold and you get a blood red, demonic. He looks at you even with your shades on his eyes know where to look and they meet your, taking your breath away.

"You gonna stop gawking and let me in." Still, it's like he can read you mind or something.

"yeah." You step aside letting him in and close the door behind him.

You look him over thankful of your shades. You always thought that he found a nice family and forgot about you and bro. But from the way he looks, he looks like he lived under a bridge.

"Holy shit, never thought this place would be clean." You step over into the kichten and grab some drinks.

When you come back he was laid out on the couch. You sit next to him and hand him some oj while you sip at some aj.

"you still tired? thought you got sleep last night." He shakes his head, no.

"I was too worried to sleep. You said something was up, right?" He paused "is it bro?"

"short version or long version?" You shift a little uncomfortable, you hate this, showing people them. They look for awhile then they go ranting about some shit.

"I don't care. I just wanna know." He sips at his drink and rubbs his eyes

"short version." You show him your wrists and he looks over them before reaching up and taking off your shades.

"Are these the only ones? You didn't do it anywhere else, right?" You quickly shake your head.

"thats it. nowhere else." You quickly show him just to prove it.

"Alright. When was the last time?" He puts your shades out of reach, you both know you hide behind your shades.

"A few days, three or four I think." Right now your open, to any and everyone, no point in lieing.

"Okay. You can tell me if you want." He releases your arm and pulls your sleeves back down. "On a totally unrelated topic, remember what happened the night before I left?"

"y-yeah, im sorry about it. like i said im in a relationship now so its cool." He looked at the floor a little distant before looking back up at you.

"I've been thinking ever since then and I think I might return the same feeling. But now that you said that, I'm sorry. Be happy with whoever." He drops it and drinks the rest of his oj.

You have the worst luck ever, you can add him to the list of people you can't have. He'd be better without you, right?

"actually-" You were cut off by bro and storm coming in.

They stop and you can tell bro is still fucked up. Storm whispers something in his ear, you don't know what he said but bro nods to it and they head back to bro's room. Dirk finds it funny but you find it stressful like always.

After awhile storm comes out.

"Bro went out and saw one of his ex's. They got fucked up as you can see. He told me he didn't want you to do anything stupid when he's like this so he told me to come." You are a little bit thankful but at the same time he went out and pulled this shit right when Dirk comes back.

"im fine for now. go sober him up." He shakes his head no.

"He told me he was fine and that I was not to leave you alone." He looked over at Dirk. "I'm sorry he did mention you but never by name."

"Names Dirk. And same never got your name either." You close your eyes with a sigh, your not sure about anything right now.

"Name is storm. You know about Dave's..-" you cut him off, no pun inteined

"cuts. and yes he knows, of course id show my twin. He didnt go though my room like you two did" you can feel the panic and stress come on.

"Storm I know you must love bro, the way I love Dave maybe more. but I will not leave him for anything." He sees all your emotions, fuck if only you had your shades.

He pulls you up and you two hurry to your room.

"thanks." You sit on your bed, with your knees up to your chest and your face in your arms.

"You want to tell me, anything? I'll listen and if you want I won't talk." He sat down next to you and went to wrap an arm around you but he stoped himself.

"wait, what time is it?" You quickly grab your phone it was almost noon.

"Why? You got plans?" You nod

"my boyfriends coming over." You feel a pang at you heart. You love john, yes, with your heart. But you love and care for Dirk too.

"Can I ask something, about you cuting?" You again miss you shades which are in the living room too far for you to go after.

"sure, what is it?" You been asked most of the questions that can be asked.

"If you have your boyfriend, bro who is trying, storm who is willing to help, and now me. Why?" That actually makes you think for a minute to find the right words.

"when i started i had nothing, my boyfriend would freak out over the smallest hint i dropped, bro was always fucked up and was with a different guy every day, and you its been yeas since i last saw you." You can't help but stare he is so much more then you.

"Alright, another question, how many razors do you have?"

"i had 12 by it when John saw them we threw three away, so now i got nine."

"Alright. I think that enough questions for now." You finally lose it and hug him.

"im fine, ask me anything." He wrap a arm around your shoulder and gently squeezes you.

"Why did you start?" You again try to find the right words.

"it was a pretty bad strife and i wasn't fast enough to block his sword." You pause and lean back showing him the scar you got from it. "After that i went down hill." He glares towards bro's room, his jaw set tight.

"Dirk its okay. he didnt know, no one did." He sighs and calms down a little.

"Can I ask one more thing?"

"what is it?"

"How do you feel about me?" You don't need to think about this one.

"i cant help but love you...but i got John. i cant go from guy to guy." He gives you another little Squeeze.

"John must be lucky. If you guys ever fighting or anything, come to me, okay?"

"Yeah of course." You hug him tighter.

You soon hear a knock at your door, a knock you and John worked out.

"come on in john." You call out to him not wanting to open the door.

He steps in with that same dorky, bucked tooth smile.

"Dirk, John. John, Dirk." John drops his bag by your bed and sit next to you with a hello to Dirk.

"You're a lucky guy John. You better keep him close or I might make a move." John was shocked speechless.

"yeah i forgot to mention we have a thing for each other." You said rubbing your neck.

John looks at you then him then back again.

"I think we broke him." Dirk laughs and smiles.

"have you guys done anything?" You could hear hurt in his voice.

You left Dirk's side and wrap yourself around John.

"of course not. John i love you. i would never do anything without your permission." You hold him tight not caring about Dirk at the moment.

"good. I love you too." He pulled back out of your bare hug on him. "You love him too, right?"

"yeah i cant help it but i love you both." They both smile at that, well Dirk just smirks.

"Okay, John you cool with me smooching Dave?" You look to him your eyes showing what you wish you could hide, your eyes were pleading.

"only after me. But he's still mine." He smiles and pulls you in a kiss. He's got better at kissing, seeing that you and him are dating.

He pulls back with another smile. "to be honest i love it, two Daves i don't think i can resist."

"wait, let me get this right. i know i love both of you. i know you both love me. and John said he love having us both. Dirk? that leaves one last piece." John giggles next to you.

"Well you and me have the same taste in guys I can tell." He clicks on his phone and shows you a guy he said liked, looked just like John but had green eyes.

"perfect love triangle." He said kissing you and Dirk in turn.

"Now how bout that smooch." The other you pulls you over to him.

He was soft yet hard, gentle yet rough. He was nothing yet everything in just his lips. If kissing has a spark, it was with in Dirk.

"wow."

"is he that good?" He motion for Dirk to come closer.

He leans over doing the same as he did with you. w _hy am i letting Dirk kiss John? its dirk that why, everyone loves dirk._

"i see what you mean." He pulls back red and smiling.

"Too bad I can't kiss myself." He said with a smirk.

"closest thing you got." You said leaning over with a small smile.

"So we just gonna sit here kissing each other"

"for now yeah. you got a better idea?" He has that same smile.

"Well there is more then just kissing we could do."

"um i don't know."

"if you dont want to, then its a no. sorry dirk."

"Can I at least get some limitations with Dave?" He said jokingly.

"kissing and make outs are fine but that's it." _thats probably the most serious ive ever seen him._

"Alright." He pulls you closer into a deep kiss. You almost chock on his tongue in your mouth.

"don't break him, i need him." You hear John laugh as he watches, _wait he is watching, unexpected from him; but dont question it._

You pull back for air, face as red as John's.

After your little makeout section with Dirk, he heads out to give and John time alone.

"you should've told me your twin was coming i would have got him something." He lay back on the bed.

"like what would you bring him?" You smirk and lay on him.

"that reminds me. i got you something. let me up" he trys to get up but fail, you quickly peck his cheek.

"it can wait, now i want John time." You bat your eyes, knowing he can't resist.

"fine. sometimes your an ass." You snuggle your face into his neck.

"but im your ass." He wraps an arm around your shoulders.

"my ass only." You nod and bury your face into his neck, making him giggle.

You and him just lay there most of the day, your couldn't ask for anything else right now.He is able to get out from under you with a promise of make outs later. He goes to his bag and pulls out a box and hands it to you.

"here. so if you freak out again you can get a hold of me."

You open the box to find two really, really shity phone. The old flip ones that grandparents use.

"if you need me call. i'll answer no matter what." He turned on one of the phones and made sure it worked.

"thanks." You kiss his forehead, thankful to have him.

"don't thank me, thank karkat. he told me some of what you said last night." He glances at the darkness under your bed, knowing what is down there.

"its okay i dont except you to always be there, i know your life is busy. and no i didnt cut, karkles stopped me." He sighs relieved and hugs you tightly.

Again things die down you and him talk about karkat and cuddle some more until Dirk knocks on the door.

"Bro wants to talk to you and me. Come on." You leave a slightly worried John alone and hurry to see what he wants.

When you get there bro is sitting on his bed facing storm, who was sitting in a computer chair in front of him. He is still a little unfocused but looked better, thanks to storm.

"what is it bro?" You try and keep you voice steady but you don't know if it's working or not.

Bro looked to storm and then to Dirk, not wanting to say it from the way looks of it.

"We were all talking,and we think we should get you looked at. See if anything can help you. Or what else we can for you." It was storm who spoke up.

"what do you mean?" You try to think but fail.

"See if you got some form depression and if you do, see what we can do for you." It was bro this time his voice clearer then his eyes.

"depression?"

"Yeah they got doctors and even therapists that can help." Storm looked up at you.

You think for a minute.

"wait let me get John." You turn to head out out and get him but bro calls out.

"No this is a family thing."

"john is family as much as storm is." You love him just as much as bro loves him, maybe more.

"Do you want him to worry. Do you want him to stop his life just for you to go and see." Bro had a point.

"okay then when we gonna go?" You are willing just to get rid of this empty feeling inside.

"Next week."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to type more but now that's it summer I have a lot of free time and all I do is role play


	7. karkat..?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not too good at summaries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! I got to it and edited it all. Plus I finely found out about BB codes, still can't change colors but whatever. And sorry on not posting sooner, as said all my free time is rping. I got problems. 
> 
> I reread the whole thing and I hate it but love it. My writing style changed and the tile isn't even reinvent now but I still love it and every time I get another hit I bug my friends, telling them. Hope you guys like it. XD

The rest of the week goes by too slow, maybe it's the waiting to go see what they'd say or it's just simply time not on your side. You rest with John deciding not to tell him about it. After John stays two night in a row his dad starts getting suspension of you and him. Now he wasn't allowed over but you and him still meet up wherever you can. You and Dirk catch up, talking and telling stories of the years he was gone. As John said make outs were fine and that exactly what you do. You feel the panic come when everyone talks about the appointment coming up, it worries you, it stresses you. And instead of calling John and talking him about it worrying him you text the next best thing.

**(turntechGodhead started chatting with carcinoGeneticist)**

**TG: hey can we talk?**

You shift on your bed waiting for him to reply and it doesn't take long he is always on the computer.

**(carcinoGeneticist logged on)**

**CG: YEAH? WHAT IS IT?**

**CG: DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?**

**TG: no im fine for now just..**

**TG: stressed and panicked**

You and him know how fucked up the other is and now you guys tell the other everything, all your thoughts, self hate, stress, everything.

**CG: WHY WHAT GOING ON?**

**TG: bro and his guy they made an appointment for me to see if i got depression.**

**CG: OH IS THAT GOOD OR BAD?**

**TG: good? but they keep bringing it up and shit runs through my head, like theyd think im crazy or insane and put me in a padded room.**

**CG: THINK WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT TO YOU?**

**CG: FROM WHAT I CAN TELL YOU ARE NORMAL.**

**TG: but then their is what they would say about me. im okay with them not liking me but they could easily get rid of me or give me shit to fuck me up.**

**CG: DAVE THEY'RE NOT GOING TO DO THAT THEY ARE THERE TO HELP NOW STOP RAMBLING AND CALM DOWN.**

**TG: and then what about john, i didn't tell him about it and what if they do put me in a padded room id disappear from him**

**CG: DO I NEED TO COME OVER?**

**TG: what if they wont even talk to me not just see me like everyone else does.**

**(carcinoGeneticist logged off)**

You had more to type but he came over calming you down like usual.

But now you sit in a plan office with just you and bro. Waiting. The waiting is driving you crazy. You are looking everywhere from behind your shades.

When you do finally go back it was different. Everything calm, quiet. The place was bigger then it looked and after a minute of walking, you are shown to an office.

You sit on the couch like the patient always does. Its pretty quiet for awhile, they introduce them, one of them a young girl wearing purple named rose. The other a guy wearing red and blue glasses named sollux.

You feel a little better and from what karkat mentioned, sollux was great.

"So Dave or David, which do you perform"

"dave" why are you so nervous, she just asked your name.

"tho dave, what bringth you here." If you weren't nervous you laugh at his lisp.

"my bro and his boyfriend thought it was a good idea. they said it might help." You hold onto one of your wrist and the girl nods.

"I think it would be best if I sat out on this section. It was nice to meet you Dave." She gets up and heads to the door. "I hope sollux here can help you."

"you thure rote?" She nods and quickly absconds.

"she always like that." You say trying to lighten the mood.

"no. the gotta a patht. and tmoetime, the hath two thtep out."

And it goes quiet for a minute.

"tho, you gonna thow me tho ii can help." He motions to your wrist.

You nod and show him both your wrists. This is worse then showing someone you know.

"how long have you been doiing iit?" He quickly looks them over before pulling your sleeves back down.

"A year or two." You swallow to control your voice.

"okay and when wat the latht tiime you diid iit?" He leans back on in his chair.

"a little over a week ago."

You and him go on talking for the rest of the time, you tell him about your John/Dirk thing. He gave you his handle and said to talk if you ever need to.

"can i ask you something?" You ask before it's time to go.

"anythiing." He nods

"i have a friend who says he knows you. he says you helped him stop cutting." You watch him from behind your shades.

"well yeth ii have helped a lot of people. doet he have a name?" He asks with a glance at the clock.

"yeah, its karkat. he said you guys talked online." You pull out your phone and show him karkat's handle to prove it.

"kk." He smiled. "yeah we talked but never meet in perthon." He sighed.

"well the reason i ask is, is long story, but he like you and is want to talk again. i know it none of my business but you should talk with him again." You think you hit a sensitive area.

"..kk liiketh me? but ii don't think now iit a good time." He zones out a littl.

"why not? he talks about you all the time, and he said he wants to help everyone like you." You know karkat probably as good as sollux.

"maybe ii'll check on him later." And with a nod in thanks you head out.

Bro was right where you left him, he was texting storm when you came back.

"Well how'd it go?" He asks.

"good I think, he said he was going talk to me later so yeah."

"Cool let's head home." You gets up and you both head to his truck.

when you got home, karks texted you but you wait til you got to your room to read it.

**(carcinoGeneticist started chatting with turntechGodhead)**

**CG: dave?**

_hes using lower case this cant be good. he only uses lower case when things are bad._

**(turntechGodhead logged on)**

**TG: what is it?**

**TG: you good?**

**CG: no i'm not..**

**CG: i did.. something stupid..**

**TG: what the fuck did you do?!**

you are now sitting on your bed clearly worried and typing frantically.

**CG: i..i may have cutted..**

**TG: why? i thought you said you would never do it again. i know sollux is not there to talk when you need it. and we have been trying to talk to each other, i know im not the best at being there for other but why?  i was kind of busy at solluxs office actully i got his handle too. i told him, you liked him and that he needs to message you soon. he said he would and shit.**

**CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP, OKAY. I FUCKING CUTTED CAUSE I WANTED TO OKAY.**

**CG: LIVE SUCKS AND I JUST WANT TO FEEL AGAIN SO WHAT.**

**(turntechGodhead welcomed** **twinArmageddons to chat)**

**CG: dave! why?**

**TA: kk? are you okay?**

**TG: sorry dude i had to.**

**TG: if he is the only one to help you then i had to tell him.**

**TA: and thank2 dave. iif you don't who know2.**

**TA: now kk tell me, the real rea2on plea2e. i'm worried.**

**CG: i'm so done with life..**

**CG: everything, everyone.. there is no point on going on and i just want it to be over.**

**CG: i want to die, badly.**

**TA: ...thii2 ii2 my fault for not talking to you anymore**

**TA: ii'm 2orry.**

**CG: sollux shut up, i don't want fucking pity.**

**(carcinoGeneticist logged off)**

you sit on the floor, now reading karkat's words physically scared for him and what he is saying.

**TA: kk thii2 ii2 not good. what 2et you off?**

a few minutes pass by and nothing from karkat..

**TG: karkat..?**

**TA: do you know where he liive2?**

**TG: im way ahead of you.**

**( **turntechGodhead logged off)****

you motherfucking run to karkat's place, running in the door. seeing no one till you hear him in his room, he is actually crying.  _this cant be good_.

"karkat..?" 

you hear some movement and are more worried  

"karkat..?" 

"what the fuck you want?!"

after and deep sigh and mental readiness you push open his door to see him both wrist open and covered in his blood. you couldn't help but cover your mouth, _did i ever cut that much at once? or that deep?_

he is now glaring at you not even caring if you see or not.

"go away!"

you go and pull him up by the upper part, dragging him to the bathroom and lock the door. you sit him on the toilet and dig for bandages. you look back at him and..  _holy shit..._ he was digging his fingers in a cut.

"dude!" he kind of jumps but stops.

"just go away. you don't care!" he snaps looking at you.  _that is not karkat.._

you find all the shit you need and go to holding his wrist out to you. you soak a clean rag in rubbing alcohol, then gently cleaning them. he doesn't move at all as you continue. you move to the other wrist and clean it. you turn and grab the bandages and start to wrap them up. sometime during this your shades fell off and  he is looking right into you seeing all your emotions.  _not cool, but who cares you gotta help karks._

"why'd you come anyways? not like you had to." he was quiet for once, but you wish you had the usual him back right now.

"i might be dating john but that doesn't mean i dont care care about you, okay? i do. a lot of people do, me, john, sollux. we care, think about what would happen if i found you dead. it would most likely fuck me up, or i'd follow the lead with the same blade. john would never be the same you are his only friend right now besides me. sollux would hate himself for not talking to you again and for what some fucking pain that helps but hurts!.........." you break tears running down your face this was you in a few months breaking down and cutting deep. 

he blinked at the tears more so then he did at the words. he opened his mouth to make a comment but sighed and wraps his arm around you carefully. 

"shit you're more emotional then me." he sighs and lets you cry, your face hidden in his knee. "i did it cause i thought i was a joke. i looked back at my life and hate it all of it, my family, my thoughts, my weird mental breakdowns. and my life would better if stopped and no one else is willing to end it so i should be the one to do it." 

you look up at him and for once you understand him. you pull back to sit at the floor when your phone goes off. 

**( **twinArmageddons started chatting with turntechGodhead)****

**TA: hello? kk?...**

"its sollux, you wanna to talk to him?" you show him the screen.

"i still can't blame you found him." he shakes his head. "it's kind of hard to type at the moment. tell him okay now." 

you do. 

**(turntechGodhead logged on)**

**TG: he says it might be hard for him to type for awhile. i found him in pretty bad shape but i fixed him up he should be fine as long as we watch him.**

**TA: tell hiim ii'm 2orry.**

"he says he is sorry." he looks to karks who is a little zoned out looking at your eyes. 

he blinked and nodded as he looked away. "tell him i don't blame him." 

**TG** **: he says he doesnt blame you.**

**TA: okay thii2 ii2 the 2tupide2t way two talk two him. ii'll just call.**

you answer him when he does and hand karkat your phone, he quickly puts it on speaker. 

"kk? what happened?" he calls from the phone. 

"dave found be with my wrists cut deep and covered in blood. he dragged him into the bathroom and cleaned him up then wrapped up my wrists." 

"dave you thtiill there? thankth for thaveiing kk." 

"yeah you on speaker and he stopped me a few time so its the least i could do." 

"i'm sorry sol..." he looks slightly distant as he talks.

"don't bee torry, kk. iit't liive remember what ii told you?" he says trying to lighten the mood. 

"yes how could i forget." he lightly smiles and tries a sollux voice. "everyone ith an angel and thome people hurt tho bad that they try to end it and back back to heaven. so make it back but so are saved  be others wanting to take the long way back." you didnt think 

"you actually remembered that? and yes we all angels and i want to take the long way with you kk.." 

"um you guys want me to step out or...?" you shift, feel like some creep as they talk. 

"hu? ho dave you're fine. this is what it feel like to a third wheel, just like you and john." 

"kk free dave. and you need retht, ii promiite to talk again thoon." he reluctantly says good bye to sol and give you back your phone.

"you gonna  go for him?" you ask with a smirk. 

"SHUUUUSSSHHH."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so not sure anymore. i'm sorry i don't know why it went to a dark place...


	8. love still sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> john wants to talk to, dave goes to talk but only to find john sitting with vriska...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i'm trying to post more often but we will see. and thank you guys for all the hits, i'm making this into a big deal aren't i? oh well! i'm happy that people like my shit. and keep in mind i do not ship john/vriska it is just for conflict. also my writing block is coming back, yay!... i might take some time to post but it will happen. and i'm working on a johnkat fic so look out for that if you want. and for some reason i just want to put smut in here but i love the plot that i already have. oh well maybe someday my dave will get laid. i made it longish for 200+ hits 
> 
> see ya later<3

**(ectoBiologist started chatting with turntechGodhead)**

**EB: hey dave**

**EB: you there? .....i wanna talk in person.**

**(ectoBiologist logged off)**

You wake to see this on your phone screen.  _why does he wanna break up? his dad find out? he got tired of me?  he never like being with me? he likes someone else? .....what?_

You are slightly freaking out, what else is new? Sollux is taking care of Karkat, good but you can't talk to either of them. You most certainly cannot talk to John about your problem with John. You think Bro might listen but he is still getting used to not strifing, so you go to Dirk.

He spend most of his time in his room or in the living room he doesn't leave that much. You head into his room, he looks up from what he's working on. He has been gone for a few years and has been back for a week now. But his room is back to the mess it was, bed and floor covered in smuppets and everywhere he possible can is some project he is working on. If you are willingly to go to him then you need to talk.

"Hey Dave watcha want?" He smirks and leans back, happy to see you in his room.

"...its about john..." He sits up clears the bed of smuppets. 

"Sit now." You nod and sit. "what about john?" 

You go and show him what john said. He chuckled and shook his head.

"That doesn't mean he wants to break up.. just that he wants-"

"what else could he mean he is never asking just to talk. he either wants to hang out or make out. never just to 'talk in person' he must mean that. but why what did i do wrong? why does he wanna stop being with me? what the fuck did i do? why-"

"Dave shut the fuck up, okay? You did nothin' wrong, now calm down and think it through. What was the last thin' you two talked about?" 

"that would be his dad asking about why he comes over all the time and that he was worried his dad might find out."

"Okay then maybe he just wants you talk to his dad or somethin'?" He shrugged. "I don't see any good reason John would want to break up with you. Okay?"

You sit next to him and pull up your knees to your chest.  _he is right.. but why? time to stop being a strider and be a wimp._

"will you come with me, im... worried of the outcome..." He nodded as he wrapped an arm around you lean over to kiss your head. 

"It's cool, we are both Striders we get scared sometimes..and yes i'll come. You know where he's at?" 

You nod. "yeah same place we always go to that old park by the school.." You are worried that your good memories from there will be ruined. You know out of everything that has happened between you and john wouldn't leave you.

Dirk jumps up and tells Bro that you and him are going out to do stuff. 

When you and him get to the old park you see john but he is not alone, some girl is sitting next to him, kind of close at that 

  _no... great now hes liking some girl_

It doesn't take long for john to notice you and Dirk walking into the small area. 

"hey dave! i was worried you wouldn't come." He smiles and waves you both over to him and this bitch.  _yeah i know, dont judge a book by its cover but if she is that close to my john, she is a bitch in my book._ _  
_

"hey john. what you wanna to talk abou-" You are cut off by this bitch. 

"John, thiiiiiiiis is Dave? i thought you said he is cooooooool." And she give you a sideways smirk. 

You blink a few times at her to see her completely. She has long hair that moves half-way down her back, hair that looks like it's been dyed a dark blue against black. For some reason she wore sunglasses with one of the lenses popped out. _yeah a bitch in my book._

"he is cool." John nervously looks to her then you. She just rolls her eyes. 

"..So John what you want to talk about?" It was Dirk who was in a stare-down with her one showing eye.

 "r-right." He bite his lip and looks to Dirk. "dirk can you stay with vriska?" 

"Um, sure." He nods and John quickly jumps up and drags you by your forearm to another part of the playground.

"so the fuck you want to talk in person for? her im guessing, what you liking on her or something? or you tired of being with me?" You say as soon as you are sure that this bitch can't hear you. Glad of your shades being on but you know your voice it's helping with trying to seem fine. 

"dave, no listen. she wants to date me.. and i told her i had to talk to you, i-i don't know what to do or say." He says quietly before turning and going to sit on some of the equipment.

You quickly follow him and sit next to him, feeling her gaze on you, so you don't sit too close.

"well.. who do _you_ want to date?" You glance at her only to see she is starring at you, arms crossed and a clear smirk on her face.

"i don't know... i have known you longer and i love being with you." He chuckles and smile, looking up at you. "but.. still being young i'm never sure on what i like.. i said i'm not a homosexual and look at me now.. and if she wants to date me then maybe i should try,.. right?" He looks at you lightly biting his lip.

"if you are saying you want to try being straight, then i have nothing against it. john do what you want, i never want to take your freedom or anything." You are pretty good at hiding it but you know, you feel the panic and right now you want to get home and lock yourself in your room. Knowing you'd regret it but also knowing it would calm you.  

He looks to you worryingly before sighing and talking again.

"are you sure you're good with it..? i'm worried about you, okay. every time i think of you, which is a lot, i can't help but thinking of you losing it. of you being left alone and.. and.." He closes his eyes unable to finish his sentience but you know what he means.

 _if only this bitch wasnt here, id be calming him the best way i know cuddles. but i know he woldnt like me doing that around others._ You are torn, and just wanting away from everyone and everything. 

"look john i think.. me and dirk should go.. it was nice seeing you find a girl." You say as you get up as start walking off. 

"dave wait!" He goes to follow you but you go to sprinting away absconding quickly.  

You slowly go back to a walking pace , knowing Dirk would soon be back to you but for now you are alone. Head down, hiding your face from anyone who would pass by, mentally rambling to yourself.  _great goddamn job, dave. i could of told her off or at least told john that i want us to stay a thing. im such a fucking pussy._

You are stopped mid-way in your ramble when you hear footsteps come up behind you. Turning to see Dirk coming up and panting after his run to catch up to you. 

"The.. The fuck. Dave, what happened? I asked John but he said to go after you.." He says a little out of breath. You turn away from him not wanting any attention but too bad you get it. He turns with you to make you look at him.

"Dude come on. Your 15, do you really think the bitch of a girl is gonna tie him down. It's not a permanent thin' just wait. He will drop that girl before you know it." Despite both of you being striders, he goes and pull you in a hug. _you are lucky we arent at home._ You think before hugging back. "Now let's go cheer you up." 

He leads you down the street, you zoned out and just let him guide you, he takes you to a store. Nothing too fancy mostly hipster things, kind of cool you guess.

"Anythin' you want." He says breaking through your zoning out. You nod and go to looking at things with him, still a little distant. But who wouldn't be at this point? Telling yourself, you are never gonna get him then actually getting him to have it short lived and lose him to that bitch. You stay close to Dirk still not wanting attention right now. 

"Come on Dave, I'm just tryin' to cheer you up. Now anythin' you want you can have." He says next to you trying not to get attention like you. You know he wouldn't stop until you pick something. One more look around you see something you are willing to be seen in, a large red sweat-shirt with a gear on it. You grab it while you both head off quickly buying it. 

"at this point nothing is gonna cheer me up." You watch the ground as you two walk off. Pulling the sweat-shirt over your head, it reaching over your scars, your fingers holding the sleeves to the palms of you hands. 

"Well I got an idea, when we get home I'll find somethin' to cheer you up." He says as he watches you.  _most likely a fucking smuppet or even worse._  

After your slow walk back, Dirk drags you into his room. He puts away all his smuppets and whatever else he's working on. 

"what the fuck you want? cant i just be alone right now." You both why your in his room so he can watch you and make sure you don't do anything. But you want to. 

"You remember what I said? That if you and him stop being a thin'..." He raises an eyebrow to see if you were following him.

"bro, this is so not the time for smuppet shit right now. okay, i just want to go be alone in my room."  _if only i never show him... i could be doing it right now hell i want to i need to do it right now._ You think as you dig your nails in you skin.

"I'm not askin' for anythin'. I'm offerin' it, anythin' that would help you. And I'll still keep to John's limits if you want." He says, looking back at you as he falls onto the bed.

"no... that wouldnt help the only thing to help would be.." You don't let yourself finish the sentence knowing exactly what you were going to say, and by the look on Dirk's face he knows too.

"Dave just sit your ass down, okay?" He says looking up at you, you slightly nod and sit next to him.

He wraps his arms around you and holds you close, you just sit there staying still. He sighs and pulls off both his and your shades leaning over to look in your eyes.

"Dave, think before you do somethin' you'll regret." He says softly lightly rubbing your back.

"dirk. i have nothing now." You spit out.

"Dave you're bein' fuckin' stupid right now. Of course you have shit, you got me, Bro, you still have John he won't forget about you, what 'bout you helpin' your friend? You said you saved Karkat, you also have someone to talk to, Sollux? So when you say you have nothin', your wrong. You got a lot, you got what you need. And to be honest I've always been jealous of you." He ends with a soft kiss on the top of your head.

"you? jealous of me?" You look at him in a little disbelief. _what the fuck is there to be jealous of...?_ You think and go to hide your face with your hands only to have him grab up your hands and looks to your face. 

"Yes. I'm jealous of the amazin' fuckin' kid who can make the best out of every situation he's faced with. I'm jealous of my fuckin' twin, who I can never match. Of the kid who has held on here this long without me, of you being able to help your friends." He stops and leans closer looking into your eyes, you blink at his words."And as stupid as it sounds I'm kind of jealous of your red eyes." He lightly chuckles before closing his eyes and leaning over to kiss you.

_is that really what im like? am i someone people are jealous of?_

You slowly lean more into the kiss, which makes both of you smile a little.

After your talk with dirk, well talk and sloppy make out, you wake up in his bed. checking your phone, you see someone texted you.

**(carcinoGeneticist stated chatting with turntechGodhead)**

**CG: DAVE? HELLO?**

**CG: I HEARD ABOUT YOU AND JOHN. YOU OKAY? FUCKING ANSWER DUMBASS.**

_wow karkles great to see you can type again._

**(turntechGodhead logged on)**

**TG: um yeah. im good dirk managed to calm me down.**

**TG: how about you? you doing better.**

**CG: YEAH SOL AND ME HAVE BEEN TALKING AND I'M BACK TO MYSELF.**

**TG: thats good i havent really been talking to sollux.**

**CG: WELL HE'S GREAT AS WE BOTH KNOW HE HELPED ME AWHILE AGO.**

**TG: and now you two a thing? *eyebrow wiggle***

**CG: YES WE ARE FOR YOUR INFORMATION.**

**TG: thats good to hear.**

**TG: this mean you over me?**

**CG: NOPE. STILL WOULD GO FOR YOU IF I HAD THE CHANGE.**

**TG: why exactly?**

**TG: what do you, dirk, and john see in me?**

**CG: WELL I DON'T KNOW ABOUT DIRK OR JOHN. BUT I SEE SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT OTHERS MORE THEN HIMSELF. KIND OF LIKE ME, BUT YOU ARE BETTER AT IT. IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU I MIGHT HAVE BLEED OUT IN MY ROOM, I WOULD'VE MOST LIKELY BROKE YOU, JOHN AND SOLLUX.**

**TG: dude, im not good at that. i fuck up a lot. i chased dirk off, i bothered you and john to the point where you go back to cutting and he goes to some bitch.**

**CG: YOU GONNA RAMBLE?**

**TG:  i mean everyone have someone crushing on them. but for me to have three people after me? the fuck? i am a stupid 15 year old kid who has problems. im just a fucked up red eyed gay who messes things up.**

**CG: IF YOU ARE STILL THINK LIKE THAT THEN I DON'T KNOW. YOU ARE A GREAT GUY AND I WOULDN'T BE HERE WITHOUT YOU SO YOU DID NOT MESS UP. YOU JUST HAVE YET TO SEE WHAT OTHER DO.**

**TG: dude we are not having a feeling-jam on here. okay? im fine right now, i swear.**

**TG: just a little tired, im gonna go get some rest.**

**CG: ALRIGHT TEXT YOU LATER THEN.**

**( **carcinoGeneticist logged off)****

You are torn, every thought you have is against you. But. Everyone else thinks only the good in you.  _is is all in my head?  im i not as bad as i think?_

Once everyone lets you, you manage to abscond to your room. Quietly locking the door and sink to the floor in front of your bed.  You pull out that fucked up black box, opening it and just look at it. Seeing your, nine razors, your notes, and various other shit from some pills and a few lighters. You pick up one of your notes reading over it, you sigh at it, it being a pretty detailed story of your death. When you wrote it, you thought you wouldn't make it this far. You pick up one of the lighter and light the paper being careful not the catch anything else on fire. 

"what am i even doing?" You ask yourself as you pick up one of your razors. 

you hold it in your hand for looking at it.  _how has this thing taken over my life? this little fucking blade causes so much pain, not just to me, causes pain to everyone. i never thought id do anything good for anyone. but i saved karkat, i brought back dirk, im john best bro. thats it!_ You have had it. You grab up another razors and rush over to your bathroom, quickly dropping them in the bin and going back to the box ripping up the other notes and adding those to the razors in he bin.

"not going to control me anymore."

After dealing with that shit you jump on your bed and check your phone.

 **(** **ectoBiologist started chatting with turntechGodhead)** _  
_

**EB: dave i'm really sorry about vriska.**

**EB: i hope we can still be best bros.**

**EB: and i know it must sound bad to only be bros again. but it's not forever, i still like you.**

**(turntechGodhead logged on)**

**TG: really im okay now, no worries.**

**EB: did you do anything?**

**TG: no john, i didnt cut or burn or anything.**

**TG: i actually did good i got rid of all my notes and got rid of two more razors.**

**TG: no worries.**

**EB: that is good to hear!**

**EB: what's the razor count then? seven?**

**TG: yep and if this go good, soon ill get rid of more.**

**TG: sorry i worry you a lot.**

**TG: but how is vriska?**

**EB: she's great! once you get past her weirdness.**

**TG: weirdness?**

**EB: yeah, like she says we're like hate-dating i don't know what that means but i go with it.**

**EB: and apparently something happened to her arm so now she wears a fake one.**

**TG: she has a fake arm?**

**EB: yeah, it's weird.**

******TG: you like being with her?**

**EB: yeah :D it's great.**

**TG: then im good. and tell me if she does anything you dont want her to.**

**EB: alright. i'm getting kind of tired so i'm gonna head to bed.**

**TG: aight, night nerd.**

**EB: night cool kid. and i still love you.**

**( **ectoBiologist logged off)****   

**TG: i still love you too**

**(turntechGodhead logged off.)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guess love this as much as i do. i just love writing for everyone. and as long as i keep getting hits and kudos i will continue this. and i'm thinking of adding more trolls but it's hard to keep them all in line and please my ships. i might bring in gamzee. (BE READY FOR GAMKAR!<3)


	9. the spider bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \--time skip by a month--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> block is so real. so i am just gonna do a time skip by a month. and my school will be starting back up soon. i will miss rping all the time and reading smut freely. they block everything. i will die. but in class the free time i have i will write more for you guys, so it might go to be a weekly update, but who knows. and gog do i want smut but dave's V-card is a precious thing meant for very few. soon my fellow shippers. soon.

Not much has happened in the last month; hanging with John when he is not with Vriska, talking to Karkat and going to talking to Sollux at his office, him having given you some anti-depressions, and hanging with Dirk and Bro.

Having kept yourself busy with the school work Bro got you to do, and chatting with everyone. You having hit a cross road sometime ago, on what to do from here on? Everyone thinks of you better then you do yourself, making you re-think things. Having had a small slip last week and adding a small cut to you scars, earning a lecture and glares from Dirk and Bro and even Storm, who has been staying for awhile.

They had threatened to go through the whole house and get rid of every harmful thing in sight. You had to give them one of your razors to make them shut up. Only telling Karkat and Sollux about it, not having the heart to tell John about it and made sure Karkat wouldn't tell him either.

Dirk not leaving your side after your little slip, having more or less moved into your room with you, thankfully without his smuppets. Can't take puppet ass in your room. You've gotten over a lot though, like now your eyes don't bother you as much you freely walking around the place without shades. 

Bro making sure you get to each of your appointments with Sollux as it seem it helps you. All you guys do is talk and he makes sure you been taking the anti-depressions like your meant to, how is that helping but fuck it makes them shut up. 

**(ectoBiologist started chatting with turntechGodhead)**

**EB: hi dave!**

**EB: gog, i'm bored and vriska being kind of annoying. i was thinking maybe we all could hang out, do something if you want that is. i don't want you it to be weird or anything, shit with vriska has been good. she showed me her friends and everything. should probably stop talking about her.**

**(turntechGodhead logged on)**

**TG: nah, dude talk about her if you want, not bothering me too much. and as for us three hanging dirk would come too.**

**TG: the dude is not leaving me alone for some reason.**

**EB: well dirk could come too i guess, and why? he's not really needy or annoying. so why follow you around?**

**EB: WAIT.. did you do something..?**

_shit, um, no dont tell him._

**TG: no dude, i told you im doing better about that shit. been bout a month and a half.**

_god, i hate lying to him._

**EB: better be doing good. dave i might be with vriska right now but i do love you, and i'd be lost without you.**

**TG: yeah i know.**

**TG: you got a spot in mind for us to hang at?**

**EB: where we always hang out? unless you got a better idea.**

**TG: i dont know, and dont really care about where. hell we could go to fucking school and hang.**

**EB: yeah, it sucks without you at school.**

**TG: yeah, sorry dude better if i stay home i guess.**

**EB: right. how is being home schooled anyways?**

**TG: it's okay, unless you count dirk always trying to help me with work.**

**EB: do you know what your grades are? mine are mostly b's**

**TG: mostly as, but not a big deal.**

**EB: mostly a's? damn it and i thought i was doing good.**

**TG: mostly bs are good, better then fs.**

**EB: yeah, i guess.**

**EB: well vriska is bugging me got to go. see later.**

**TG: aight see ya.**

**( **ectoBiologist logged off)****

"well that was awesome.." You can't help but miss having him as your's. You guess you just need to get your mind off him for sometime, shit just talking about little shit makes you miss him. _the bitch vriska better be treating him good_. 

"What's awesome?" Comes from the other you, you thought was asleep. He rolls over on your bed to see you and your screen with the chat log still on it. He nods as he read it. 

"nothing." You say even though you both can tell. You close the chat log and go back to some work you were doing only to have him push it away and looks at you. Red meeting gold 

"Don't worry no one can over rule the Strider's charm. Bro's got storm. And you'll get John soon." You just roll your eyes, never really thought of yourself as a normal Strider. normal striders don't cut themselves and don't lose the guy. but you did and you can't stop wanting him, as they say, you don't know what you have until you lose it.

"yeah, i guess. you want to hang with the three of us, or you still stuck to me like glue?" You try to get off the subject of John but him staying around you is not a great topic either.   

 "Dude, you know you're stuck with me." He smirks and ruffles your hair. "Like glue." He adds, getting a annoyed groan form you. 

"following me like a fucking kid i see." You fall back on the bed, folding your arms behind your head and looking up at the ceiling. 

"Hey you're the one who wanted to cut to get rid of stress." And that earning a glare that makes him shut up. You don't talk about it with them much, they bring it up lot and you just stare at them and stay quiet. 

"Dude, just sayin' how it is.." You almost jump back up into a sitting position.

"its something that sucks you in, it takes everything and you let it cause it the only way you can control how you feel. its a black-hole that will not let you go. and i hate everything about it, i hate everything i did to myself. now can you not bring it up and stop reminding me how fucked up i am for thinking that shit was helping, okay? just shut up about it for five minutes." You go full on ramble but this ramble was needed, maybe now he'll shut up about it.

He blinks a few times to take in all you said and instead of saying anything he just pulls you in a hug. _this had better turn into a feels-jam. fucking idiot, lucky i love you, dipshit._

He lays back down and pulls you with him, so that you are now laying on his chest, it makes you feel like a child but it was somewhat relaxing to be with him. You can forget about John and Vriska, about Karkat and Sollux, about Bro and Storm. You can even forget about the scar you are showing right now and the razors that are under you and dirk.  _  
_

You gladly fall asleep like that, lolled by your brother's even breath and heart beat. But you were easily awoken to the ringing of a phone going off close by, making both you and Dirk to roll over with a groan. After about five rings you sit up to glare at that phone John had given you sometime back in case you ever needed him, he said he would always answer so looks like you should see what it is, if it's so important it can't wait. You quickly shut it up by opening the world's shittiest flip phone. 

"yeah, john? what is it?" You say with a yawn as you rub your eyes, waking up enough to hear what he says in return, even though he sounds rushed and worried. 

"it's vriska, she found out." It takes you a minute to calm him down so you two could actually have a logical conversation.

"okay, now try again, what is it that vriska found out?" You could take a few guesses but want to be sure first.

"she found out that we were together. she found out i love you, she found our chat-logs and now she knows and i'm worried." You can tell he's worried in his voice. 

By now Dirk was awake, looking up at you, trying to calm John down, not as easy as it sounds. 

"w-what if she tells everyone, or my dad. or doesn't let me be around you or talk to you-" You cut him off. 

"okay for one, youre rambling. two, calm the fuck down its okay. im sure vriska doesnt care and if she does tell anyone then she doesnt deserve you. now where you at? i think we both need sometime together to calm down." You just look over at dirk and you both jump up, getting ready to head to John.  

"You think vriska will tell someone?" You grab you phone and hoodie and head out not waiting for Dirk or telling bro where you're going. 

"i dont know maybe. but if john if worried im worried." You would- no you will do anything for him, dating or not. On the way there, to the same shitty playground you guys always meet, your phone gets a text. 

**(arachnidsGrip started chatting with turntechGodhead)**

**AG: Soooooooo you and John where a thing?**

**AG: Oh, that's gr8 news.**

**TG: what the fuck you gonna do?**

**TG: if you hurt john in anyway ill hurt you worse.**

**AG: *eye roll* I'm just gonna show everyone the real John.**

**TG: spider bitch, you better not.**

**AG: How does everyone give me the same nickname?**

**AG: Oh well. See ya, I think I'll start with his dad.**

**(arachnidsGrip logged off)**

It's not about you, it's not about her, it's not about you being with John. It's about John, himself and how you are willing to do anything. You'd give you're own life for him, you'd stop time for him, if you could. It doesn't take long for you to get you guys' old hang out, see John sitting alone at the top of the slide. You climb up like the ninja you are, runs in the family, quickly going and sitting next to him.

"hey, you hear what the bitch is gonna do?" He nods and quickly lunches onto you, tightly hugging you.

"and if she tells.. then i'm breaking up with her." He hides in front of your hoodie as you softly rubbed his back. 

"you can do and have anyone you want." You say with a kiss to the top of his head. About now Dirk had made his way up to sit with you both. 

"t-then i want, you." He looks up at you, almost questioning what he wants, not what you want. 

"dude, if you dont want me, then ill be fine." He just hugs you tighter and tucks his head into your neck before talking.

"i love you, dave. i don't know why i even said yes to her. and if i have to come out then i will. i more or less know what and who i like now so.. can go back to being boyfriends? or at least just really close, it doesn't have  to be couple shit like kissing or stuff. i just want to be around you again without anything getting in the way and.. and-" You have to cup his face and make him look at you to shut him up. 

"dude, i think you starting to take my thing with the rambling shit. and yes, of course we can go back to being a thing, couple stuff included and everything. but wait okay? i want to get things with myself fixed first. and stop doing this shit." You show him the still healing scar from your slip, you can tell he blames himself for it. "reason dirk is stuck to me and they took a razor im down to six. and i promise that when i get better and stop thinking badly about myself and when im done with this chapter of my life we can and will be together." You didn't ramble this time, you said everything that had to be said and end it with you gently cupping his cheek and bringing him up to a passionate long kiss.  

John doesn't say anything else just sits with you both in each other's arms, for the rest of the time. Until John's phone sounds that he got a message, he pulls it out and sighs. 

"well looks like she did tell people. and my dad wants me home now." You nod and let go of him. "i'll test you later, okay?" Again you nod and watch him as he leaves. Now it's just you and Dirk alone at a playground. 

You sigh and lay back looking at the sky,  _how does that dorky blue eyed nerd do this to me? im meant to be the cool kid and not the one falling for the nerd and cutting myself._

"You think his dad will hate you, now that he knows?" Dirk says as he lays next to you, only to have you shrug and sigh. Still stuck in your thoughts on who you are? what you are wanting to do? and why you are doing this shit? 

"Okay then, this is how it's goin' to go. You clearly love him and he clearly loves you and you had never said you wouldn't have a side relationship with someone. And i'm more or less the closest thin' to bein' you and i've been by your side a lot."  You chuckle at his attempt and nod a few times to get his attention. 

"dude that was so stupid, and alright we can fucking date, even publicly if you want, but as soon i can im leaving you for john and hopefully staying with him for, as long as i can." Dirk just smirks and nods sitting up and going to climb down and you just follow him. 

When you get back you are greeted with a shit load of boxes and shit, one good look and you get see what it is. On most of the boxes say Storm's stuff and shit. You just roll your eyes to the fact that he is moving in with Bro. 

Soon flopping onto your bed and checking for John to text you like he does almost all the time but this night he doesn't which worries you about his dad not letting you and John talk anymore. You sigh and take the two anti-depressions you are said to take each night and all the shit that goes with it you soon fall asleep the pills helping you sleep a lot and not seeing any other big difference in your life cause of them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> but who to have smut with? davejohn? dirkdave? davekat?  
> i guess i'll just pick up unless you guys want one out them?  
> idk
> 
> ~<3~


	10. Dave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave gets sometime alone and he finds a new way to cope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about not updating so soon. this lonely fangirl now has a relationship with an awesome nerdy guy and i love him so my update will take time. and thankyouthankyouthankyou! i love everyone who clicks on this work and reads it. and next one should have smut in it.

You thought Storm wasn't as bad, but he always brings up you and your cutting, even more then Bro does. It stresses you out and you run off to your room and Dirk being Dirk, follows you.

"he needs to fucking shut up about shit he knows nothing about." You spit and lay on your bed, he does the same.

"You know Storm and what he's like. I don't see what Bro likes in him, but just ignore him and put up with him." Sometimes he is too caring and pretty annoying, yes it's good to have him following you and caring for you and you like actually dating him. But he treats you like you are incapable of caring for yourself. You just need sometime by yourself and nothing else, it's not like you go to the razor every time you're alone and even if you did you would usually talk to Karkat or Sollux and they'd calm you down. So with Dirk always there it is hard to get enough space to breath. You'd go and run off to John's or Karkat's but just thinking about them makes you feel like shit about everything you've done. You feel and take the guilt and blame of it all. Everything that Karkat and John mess up or feel bad about you see it as your fault.

"ignore him? dirk i cant ignore the shit _i_  cause. i hate it. i hate me. and i hate him!" Dirk sighs and wraps you in a hug, you and him lace your fingers together. And all you can do is squeeze his hand as tight as you can, he lets you, softly shushing you.

"dirk. can i get some time alone please i swear i wont do anything bad i just need to think for myself and not feel like a burden."

"Dave you're not a burden to me or anyone-"

"dirk, i know that but i feel like one, especially when someone goes of their way for me." He just sighs and nods. You look away not real sure on what else to do. You don't want to seem pitiful, you just want everyone to doing their own thing and you not get in the way of them and their lives. But Bro and everyone trying to help is not what you want. Yes it's great to have someone trying and being there but at the same time you wish you could be alone. 

"Alright I guess you can have sometime alone but Dave I mean it when I say that if you do anythin' bad or harmful I will do somethin' and you won't like it." He slowly goes to get up and leave you alone for the first time in a week over, he gives you one last squeeze before releasing you and leaving.

you now, sitting with your legs to you chest and the light off, just looking down at the ground. you are stuck to talking to yourself, crazy? yes but it helps.

"dave, why have you done this to yourself? what good does it do?" You pull up your sleeve to see the scars you have given yourself, and run your finger over them. "now you are scarred for life just because you are a little pussy about this shit. you freaked about john and him not liking you. and now you let karkat almost kill himself just cause you were being selfish and wanted to think about yourself and john. no reason dave. you are just being a kid, you can get through this right?  _right?" Y_ ou cup both sides of your head and try to hold back those thoughts, the thoughts that want you to stop, that want you to give in. Theses fucked up stupid thoughts that make you want to hurt yourself, even kill yourself. "what do they see in me? why am i here? what good am i? why do we do anything, when everything is hopeless and has no reason to move on. i just want to cut. to feel the blade stuck in my skin and the sting of it's pain. i want it all to end." You reopen your eyes, you didn't realize were closed, to see the flashing screen of your phone.

**(carcinoGeneticist starting chatting with turntechGodhead)**

**CG: DAVE? YOU THERE SOL TOLD ME TO LET YOU KNOW ABOUT WHAT WE'RE DOING. HELLO? DIPSHIT FUCKING ANSWER OKAY? WHATEVER YOU DON'** **T HAVE TO ANSWER I GUESS YOU MIGHT NOT BE IN THE MOOD BUT...**

**CG: ME AND SOL GOT TIRED OF SHIT AND DECIDED TO CREATE OUR KIND OF WEBSITE. I KNOW SO STUPID AND SHIT BUT SOL SAID THAT YOU, ME AND HIM WOULD RUN IT AND HELP EVERYONE ON THERE WITH THEIR PROBLEMS. I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO HELP OTHERS, LIKE SOL DOES AND THIS SHIT JUST MIGHT HELP IN SOMEWAY I DON'T KNOW BUT JUST CHECK IT OUT OKAY. HERE'S THE LINK TO IT. https://anonymoushelpme.net**

**CG: CHECK IT OUT, DON'T SEE IF I CARE BUT IT WAS SOL'S IDEA. FOR THE MOST PART.**

**(carcinoGeneticist logged off)**

You might as well see what this site Karkat is talking about, you leave the phone on your bed going over to your laptop you never use. Quickly logging on and getting on the site. you get on and what you see is a pretty plane page, mostly grey and black, you can tell Karkat did the designing of it, you click on a box that says 'help me' and you are taken to another page with open chats and you are sightly surprised Sollux and Karkat can run this by themselves. you aren't really sure on how these sites work you have tried a few but they never helped. the next thing you know is that you are now in a chat room. 

**(anonymous01221 started chatting with helper1)**

**01221: um my friend send me this link.**

**1: Yeah this site is pretty new but it should be able to hold a connection. What is it that I could do for you?**

**01221: im not really sure. im just having some trouble staying away from my razors and stuff. but i think i would be fine alone.**

**1: Nope, if you are having trouble with that then I could try and help. Please tell me I like to help others and this is one of my first times trying to help someone on here.**

**01221: its not something really bad its just that, my brother has been with this guy for awhile and the guy and my bro went through my room and found my razors and shit but it wasnt that bad until said guy comes and moves in with us. this guy always brings up me and my cuts even though ive been clean from cutting for a week or two.**

**1: Now this guy just sounds a little overbearing. I'm sure that if you talked to him about it and how it effects you he will let up on it. Can I ask how bad your cuts are? And how you are copping? If not you don't have to answer.**

**01221: its fine im okay to answer everything you can ask. both my wrists have about two dozen cuts most not too deep and i cant really cope at the moment. long story short, my other brother wont let me be alone since i cut and i guess you could say i have someone to talk to about it and he makes sure i take my pills like he said but it doesnt help much.**

**1: Okay, and it's good to hear someone like your brother is looking out for you. If you can you would need someone by your side whenever your feel the urge to cut. And I know what it's like to feel like a burden and unwanted but talking to others who know the feeling helps. And if you want to talk to someone else there are two other helper one i'm running the site with and the other is a good friend who could help. But whatever you want to do.**

**01221: i think talking can help at times but it could always turn and seem like they are doing the opposite of helping and causing someone pain or hurt. i guess im a little too deep thinking right now to help with anything.**

**1: In this chat I'm the helper. I'm here for you to talk to, here to help in anyway I can.**

**01221: i think just this so far helps, if anything its distracting me from shit.**

**1: That's good to hear i'm glad that I can help someone in someway. We can talk again if you want to but if not that's fine just look for me as 'helper1' but now I have to go and help some others it was good to talk to you.**

**01221: yeah okay i might talk to you again i guess my thing on here is 01221 but whatever. Thanks for talking and stuff.**

That was weird but you guess it helped even if you know that was Karkat and he knew it was you.

You go back to your bed, curling in a tight ball, holding yourself, trying not to shake. God you are still such a wimp, all you want is pain but you let everyone enter your mind and you are so lost in your head. You end up soon falling asleep, dreaming of nothing but blackness. 

After last night you wake to be wrap up by a Dirk. He is too sweet he reminds you of how you are with john. You manage to get up and untangle from the other you in the bed looking him over before getting out of bed and checking your phone. 

**(ecotobiologist started chatting with turntechGodhead)**

**EB: hey dave. i'm bored, but how are you doing?**

**(turntechGodhead logged on)**

**TG: yeah im good.**

**EB: any freakouts?**

**TG: a small one last night but nothing too bad. i found someone to talk to and they calmed me down.**

**EB: any cuts?**

**TG: nope.**

**EB: good i'm glad, no way i want to see fresh cuts, now, what do you want to do?**

**TG: do? you mean you can hang with me? doesnt your dad know?**

**EB: right, he is actually okay with it. as long as we don't do anything stupid and not in front of him. he's just happy that i'm happy.**

**TG: thats great, does that mean you gonna come out of the closet? or you still scared of what people will say?**

**EB: i will come out when we get back together, that will happen, right?**

**TG: of course you are the only one i could ever see myself with. but dirk is being a clingy asshole and talked me into dating him. but as soon as i can you and me forever.**

**EB: you really mean that? that, you and me can be together forever? but things almost never work out that good. and i'm more worried about you and your depression stuff. you do whatever you want.**

**TG: and what i want is you.**

**EB: dave, you are too sweet to feel bad about yourself. you are the strongest person i know and i don't know what i'd do without you.**

**TG: dude, that is bullshit i am not strong or sweet, im just me and im not anything.**

**EB: yes you are you are the guy i love the guy, i'd do anything for. i'd take your shit life if i could, i'd switch lives with you if i could. dave you're everything in my eyes.**

**TG: john, how can you, or anyone for that matter say that shit about me? i fucked up a lot. i fell for the biggest nerd in school, im such a wimp i had to leave school, i cant help bro or dirk or even storm. john you deserve better.**

**EB: dave i will do anything to prove that i love you and that you are more then what you think. you are my everything. i don't know what i'd do without you.**

**TG: dont say that "youd do anything-" you are more important then me and could keep on living without me. me on the other hand, i'd die without you john. and we both know that is true.**

**EB: dave i will do anything for you. anything.**

**TG: john, i love you.**

**EB: i know that, and i love you too.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay now I'm off to write smut. But please don't judge me on the site thing i know that shit helps and I just made it up, it's based off the site "7 cups of tea" well I'm out for now.
> 
>  
> 
> ~ 


	11. egbert for a night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Sorry for hoe long it took but I finished it, and I hope someone likes or is at least okay with my smut I might make this chapter out of the actually plotline cause I think I did a really bad job on the smut. 
> 
> (Skip to the end for the smut part)

You have been doing a lot better and all you have been thinking about is you and john. You quickly ended it with Dirk seeing as you and him just argue and are nothing good for you or him it never would of gone anywhere.

**(ectoBiologist started chatting with turhtechgodhead)**

**EB: hey dave, how you doing?**

**TG: hey john im doing good. you?**

**EB: i'm doing okay, i guess just missing you and stuff.**

**TG: yeah, i was just thinking about us and i stopped things with dirk, the guy is too much sometimes is only he never left him and me might of had something good but i just want to be with you. and you alone.**

**EB: that sound great, well most of it sounds great but the part about when dirk left. but i just want to be with you too and only you. honestly my dad is getting slightly worried about me and you, he knows i love you and is happy that i have you but with me staying home and away from you it makes him worry that we aren't doing good.**

**EB: so he said you can come over for awhile and he is going on a trip to meet some lady for a few days.**

**TG: whoa, your dad letting me come over and be home alone with his johnny boy? just cause he is worried about you and me? well looks like things are gonna work out, right?**

**EB: yeah it surprised me too and i just went with it cause, who doesn't want  to spend the night with someone they love? it would be awesome if only- nah it will still be awesome.  
**

**TG: if only- what?**

**EB: nothing.**

**TG: what?**

**EB: nothing.**

**TG: what is it just tell me, dude.**

**EB: it's just that i wish you and me never officially broken up. if we are gonna spend the night together then it would make sense if we were together in a relationship. but i understand with you and your stuff, i can wait.**

**TG: oh. sorry, ill make sure to make it up to you.**

**EB: so you will come over?**

**TG: of course i will.**

**EB: yay, i'll tell my dad, he says to come over tomorrow.**

**TG: okay then i will see you later.**

**EB: okay! see you dave.**

**(ectoBiologist logged off)**

You lightly smile to yourself you might actually get somewhere with john, and his dad is okay with it. You couldn't ask for more. you re-read the chat log you just had before closing it, you go back to what you were doing before he texted you. 

**(helper2 logged on)**

**2: Sorry, a friend texted me and told me I'm gonna hang out with him later. You still there?**

**1007: Yeah I'm still here, and it's fine you still have a life outside of here, I hope you and your friend have fun together.**

**2: Yeah, thanks. You have friends?**

**1007: Me? No I don't have anyone to call a "friend" I just found this site and it's been helping me so far.**

**2: Aw, I'm sorry to hear that you have no real friends and I know where you are right now, I was right there, alone, sad, or even mad. Slowly breaking apart into nothing. But this place helps if you haven't already talk to someone. Parents or adults, tell them what you have done and what you feel or think about yourself and try to hold on. For me my brother went through my room and found my razors then they got me an appointment with someone and got some pills and things are starting to get better you just have to hold on.  
**

**1007: No, wonder you are the second helper on here you are great thank you. :) You actually made me smile. I'd like to talk to you again if that is okay?**

**2: Yeah, but tomorrow I'm gonna be with my  friend. If you need to talk to someone badly talk to helper1 he's a good friend of mine.**

**1007: Okay thank you again, good bye for now.**

**2: Good bye and I'm glad I could help with your freak out.**

**(anonymous1007 logged off)**

After you started on this site you have helped a lot of people out and that helps you, it gives you something to do. A purpose. 

Now you just have to wait til tomorrow for you and john to be together. You are sure that you and john will fix things.

You leave your laptop on your bed and exit your room to the shitty apartment you and everyone lives in. You go out trying to plan out the rest of this fucking day and how you could make john see how much you love him, but you aren't sure if you should do it. You are almost 16 and so is he but you still aren't sure, you guess you will just let fate decide for you. 

The rest of the day you just fuck around playing a few games and talking to karkat some, before you pack your things for john's place. rabbing the bottle of pills sollux gave you to take, some extra clothes as well as a small present for him. 

The next day you rush to get out of there with dirk always staying in his room with his smuppets and robot shit, bro with storm and what they say about you. So you just left not telling anyone you where going off, set on getting to john soon and getting there pretty fast, in time to see his dad leave down the road. 

You feel yourself smile as you walk up to the door that opens before you even get to knock on it. 

"dave!" He calls and steps out to tightly hug you, you drop your bag to hug him back, actually lifting him up and doing a spin with him. 

"so is johnny boy finally come out of the closet, eh?" He lightly rolls his eyes and kisses your cheek, making you smile.

"what do you think?" You only pick him up bridal style and taking him inside, you can go back and get your bag later you just want to be with john for as long as you can.  You know most of john's  house by now and take him up to his room, only to jump out of your arms. 

"one second, i got you something." He goes back and shuts the door as well as bring your bag in, after a few minutes he comes back and flops onto his bed you grab the small box from your bag and sit next to him. 

"i got us something. i know we are still too young but this is as close i can get. and if you dont mind i wanna do it right." You say and slip to the floor, kneeling in front of him and holding open the box for him, inside were two promise rings. John just looks at them before putting on his dorky smile and nodding. 

"dave that is the best thing ever, if i could right now, i'd marry you." You smile and slip one of the rings onto his ring finger he does the same. 

"you know, it's could just be our thing to marry like this. marriage is just a piece of paper we could be married if we want to be." You say and his face lights up. 

"i would love that." John said as he looked at the ring. 

After your little cheesy shit time with john you and him just mess around, you and him play some video games, watch a few movies, order some pizza and chill out. It didn't take long for night to come. 

You and him head up to his room and flop onto the comfy bed. You unknowingly start a kissing/cute fight. You kiss his forehead, making him smile widely and kiss your lips. You kiss his cheek and he lightly squeals. This goes on for awhile til john heavily blushes and tried to pull away.

"what is it egbert? you had enough kisses?" You say with a small smirk. But john had his back to you and looked over his shoulder at you.

"um.. i-i think i sh-should take a shower..~" John said making you blush just as much as he was.

"oh um.. well you dont need to take a shower... you know. your dads not here." You suggest with an opened mind. John doesn't reply just sits there, you sigh and move around the bed to in front of him. "do you trust me?" You say with a hand on his thigh. 

John lightly bit his lip and nodded. You slowly got up and moved so he was laying on the his back looking up at you. You lean down and meet his mouth with your, pushing your tongue into his mouth making him lean into you with a muffled moan. You pull back with a smirk, he covered his mouth and looked away, he'd be blushing but his face was already red as fuck. 

"shh come here." You said as you grab his chin to have him look at you you peck his forehead before pulling away and standing up. You stood and pulled your shirt over your head, you saw john watching, his eyes were clouded over. You pull your pants off before returning to him.

"um how are we gonna.. do this??" John said nervous and embarrassed but besides his voice he was eyeing you and wants you like this. 

"however you want if you dont want to go too far right now we could do different things like bjs or anything you want." You help him out of his clothes.

"i just don't want to go too fast and mess something up.." You nod and kiss him softly while your hand moves over his skin. 

"k egbert no ones losin their V-card tonight." You smirk and sink down to the floor in front of him to kiss from his knee up, getting a few beautiful sounds out of him. By the time you slipped down his boxers he was nothing less of rock hard.

You look up and meet his eye, making him look away, you look back down to his hardened dick it was more then you thought with egbert at least 7-8 inches you, yourself are just at 7 inches. You close your eyes and lick up him before taking as much as you can in your mouth, you gag but do what you can for him. It don't take long for john moan loud and lose it, warping his legs around your shoulders to keep you there and you gladly stay. It's not the worst thing to have someone's dick in your mouth it's even better if it's someone you love. 

You have to hold his hips to stop him from bucking up and chocking you. If only you didn't have a gag reflex oh well you do the best you can, focusing on the head, making him moan out your name it's music to your ears. Every move he makes just makes you wish thing could be like this all the time not like the beginning of the year, so much has changed for the better. You slowly pull off of him to look up, his red beat red his eyes foggy and unfocused. 

"hey Johnny, what about little old me here." You smirk as he chuckles and moves down to your level. From the looks of his face he wasn't one for words right now so he just moved to the front of dave's pants slowly, almost teasingly, unzipping them. It was like whole another john, he went to take your dick in his mouth and looked up to meet your eye. Was this the same john who used to get embarrassed so easily. It surprised you but you didn't question it.  You just let yourself melt under his touch, it was amazing you could not begin to explain the pure pleasure that john made you feel. Soon, sooner then you expected, you were getting close to the edge, you tried to warn john but his mouth was the best thing you ever felt and your voice was not ful working condition.       

You felt yourself cum hard into him, and he just opened his mouth and swallowed as much as he could some of it, dripping down his chin. He slowly, as if he didn't want this to stop yet, he pulled his mouth off you. You lay there trying to get a hold on yourself, john just sat there looking up at you. 

"dam john.. where'd you learn how to do that.." You manage to say between pants. John just shrugged his innocent smile back on but not fooling you.

"i don't know but it might have something to do with the fact that i can fit a whole banana down my throat. but it's not like i can do better then you." You roll your eyes and lean up some. "but you can still get some practice." John smirked lightly as you moved him back on the bed. 

You went right back to where you where but you still couldn't take anymore then you did before hand. You got slight subconscious about how well you could do this, and just tried to keep working on him, you found you thing that works through. Tongue. After not even a minute of working with your tongue, your mouth of filled with him and your just couldn't help but swallow it , getting every drop you could from him.

"w-wo..w..~ dave f-fuck.." John breathed out moving to lay on his side, he was visibly drained. You moved to lay down next to him pulling and blanket over you two and wrapping your arms around him.

"sh, get some rest. we got more where that came from." He kissed his forehead softly     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope my next update won't take too long, and will be better. Anyways I'm out now take what I got, and sorry.
> 
> ~❤~


	12. bro really cares..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's a really short chapter. i just broke up with my boyfriend and wanted to write cause it helps but have no ideas/block 
> 
> anyone have plot ideas? please tell me i need plot.

       You wake happy for once in awhile and slowly get up to use the bathroom and got some aj, in the kitchen you hear your phone buzz over and over, picking it up you see Dirk and Bro and even Storm trying to get a hold of you. You sigh and call Dirk knowing he wouldn't freak out. 

       "Dave?!?! You okay?" You hear him say, worry breaking his voice. You set the phone down and put it on speaker so you could use your hands. 

       "Yeah why wouldn't I be okay?" You bite you lip and watch the phone, hopping this little thing you wanted to do won't fuck you up. 

       "Dave, Bro got really worried about you when he couldn't find you last night, he thought you went and jumped off a bridge or somethin' they really need to hear that your okay. Dave, Bro almost lost it if it wan't for storm, who knows what would have happened??" You quickly felt bad about leaving without telling them.

       "I-i'm. sorry.. it was just that John's dad left and said for me to stay here with John.." You felt yourself starting to worry badly and didn't notice at first that you were digging you nails in your arm. 

       "It's fine just call Bro, he's blamin himself about why you cut and all kind of other fucked up shit." You sigh and try to calm down but it didn't really help. "Dave? Don't worry please, it's no big deal we just want to know that you are okay and safe-" You cut him off

       "That how you feel but when I talk to Bro, he'll scream and act like I fucked up like he cares but all he'll do is blame me.. you know that's how it would happen."  You almost yell and chock on your words a bit. 

       "Dave..?" You hear from around the corner as John comes over to see what was going on with you and why you were screaming.

       "S-sorry John.." You lean against the counter crossing your arms so he won't see the crescent shapes your nails left, they'll fade after awhile.  John walked in and stood next to you. 

       "Dave please call Bro.." There was a pause and some muffled voice that you couldn't make out. "Bro says he heading that way right now." You feel more panic you don't want him here, after what you put him through you're surprised he hasn't hurt you or killed you yet, back with Storm and Dirk being around helps you stay alive.

       "Dave it's okay, they're just worried about you." John clinch to you, hugging your arm. 

       It wan't long after you heard Bro pull up and get out of the car, you had unlocked the door so he won't kick it in, you don't want to do that to John's dad. He opened the door and walked over to you without saying a word. 

       "B-bro.. I-" You were cut off by him tightly hugging you, you blink but slowly go to hug back, just as tight as him. "I'm sorry.. for everything." 

       "Dave shut the fuck and never scare me again." He said, trying to keep his image up like you do so much, it's all a Strider has they're image. 

       "Um bro, i'm sorry Dave was here I thought you knew." John chimed in biting his lip with his buck teeth. 

       "It's fine. What I care is that Dave is fine." He ruffled your hair and letting you go. "Well did you two have fun with the house empty?" He asked with a smirk making john blush and run out of the room to go to his bed. You smiled at him before looking back at bro. "You are gonna call me so I don't worry got it?" You nod glad he wasn't being an ass about it.

       "And Bro.. thanks. For everything your doing for me." You say, looking away pretending you didn't say it right after saying it. 


	13. Day in the life of dirk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to jasper jordan for giving me ideas and making me want to continue this. 
> 
> ~❤~

The Strider sat alone in the side room looking up in the dark, your mind busy on the things around you. 

Closing your eyes flashing back to when you left. 

* * *

Dirk was laying next to Dave in their room, not having a good time recently with bro having left you and Dave alone for five days now. It was hard to get Dave to school during that time. Looking at the other Strider and gently running a hand through his hand, the news you got from him made your head run wild. Moving to the edge of the bed sighing to yourself.

Checking the time, you got up bro would probably be gone most of the night if not all, quickly packing your things. clothes, A few cans of food, some money and his phone. Taking one last look at  
Dave asleep in his bed before leaving.  

you went and hopped on a last bus paying for as far as you could go, which was thankfully the edge of town. Sitting on the back of the bus watching a few people get and off, watching out the window.  _too late now.._ Having been walking and getting a rides for as long as you could you ended up just outside of Houston he walked into town and into the first fast food place he saw most of the place gave him some food if he worked for it and he almost always got free water. walking up to the guy at the counter. 

"hiya how may i help you?" the guy said with a kind smile.  _man, i miss smiles like that Dave smiled like that when he was younger._ He said to himself as he relaxed in the cool air of the place.  _Missed that too. damn heat sucks._

"um yeah can i just get a water, been walking for hours." you ask looking over the guy across the counter his green eyes shining in the light of the restaurant. 

"Sure thing, large or medium?" He said looking at you with those same bright green eyes that make it all worth it.

 "Large please." You answer as the other set down a large cup you nod to him and go over getting some water and sitting down, the smell of food made your stomach growl But you didn't have enough for food so you sat down with water. It was ten minutes later when the cashier walked over setting down a plate of fries, burger and a small milk shake. "What this? I can't pay for that.." you say but the other sat and pressed it closer. 

"You look like you could do with some food, I paid for it don't worry." he said giving a small smile, reaching across holding his hand out in greeting. "The names jake English." 

"Thanks English.." you say as you lean over shaking his hand in greeting. "Call me dirk." You gave a half smile back as you started eating talking with the other, learning it was him and his grandma living together and he could let you sleep over a few night. After the meal you chew on your lip you couldn't help but miss Dave and wonder what happened when bro found out he was gone. "Say English do you have a phone I could use for a sec?" 

"Why sure hear ya go." He slid you his phone, noding a thanks you taking nd step out of the door calling the home phone of the apartment hoping Dave would be home alone and answer. 

"Hello..?" Hearing Dave you relax. 

"Hey... is bro there..?" 

"Dirk!? Where are you?? Why did you leave!? Bro lost it... he-he slammed my head I-into the wall it was bleeding and.. he just left think he went to drink or something..." heard him try not to cry you felt your heart sink in your chest. 

"Dave I'm sorry..I didn't know what to do-" 

"what to do!!? You don't leave your fucking brother in this shit you ass hole!" You blinked never hearing him get mad like that, opening your mouth to reply but you heard a click signialing he hung up. 

* * *

 You run your hand over you face at thinking back god you thought you moved on, but his eyes that smile.. he was yours and you lost him

* * *

 you hadn't talked to Dave in months and you and jake got closer a lot closer, you would even dare say you love him.. well you hope he'd feel the same but you weren't sure. 

"Hey dirk, my grandma is gonna go visit her old friend for a few days so we get the house alone that sounds nice huh?" Jake says as he made some breakfast. 

"Yeah does sounds nice, could plan something fun to do, a movie or somethin?" You say resting your chin in your hand with a hum as you watched him move around the kitchen. 

"Alrighty, you pick what to watch and I'll get dinner for tonight." You nod to what he said already having it planed out, once jake left after breakfast you get to work as fast as you could getting the living room cleaned spotless, setting jakes favorite movie on the tv, a blanket and a few pillows on the floor for a place for you sit. 

Tonight. Tonight you planned on making a move t least kissing him unless he rejects you if he did you couldn't stay here with the awkwardness of him and you not being what you feel. 

It took all day it seems, jake getting back by 11 at night by then you had paced the floor, thought of every word to say to him, and had a snack. Seeing him come through the door you jumped up. 

"Hey jake, what took you so long?" You ask taking the bags and putting them in the kitchen.

"sorry dirk I needed a lot of stuff and I run into an old friend and we talked for a long time." He said smiling at the set up you had for them. "It looks great Dirk thanks for this." He said before quickly making dinner and his idea of quickly was two hours. 

You  moving about the kitchen laying on table kicking your legs as you waited then you leaned against the fridge then you sat by the sink. 

"Ugh! Come on he how much longer!?" You groan impatiently. 

"You have no patience, just a few more minutes why don't you go wash up?" With an eye roll you pretend to go wash your hands before running back to jake. 

You couldn't help but be nervous this could either make or break you if it broke you you have no idea what you'd do. Probably walk away from your problems like you did with bro and Dave.

when you and him finally sat in the blanket watch the movie you had on for jake mostly you never like movies, probably cause growing up bro never gave a fuck about you and sat out in a room with nothing. You took a deep breath and sighed it out to clear your head and stop thinking about them, out of sight out of mind you hopped at least. 

"Dirk somethin a matter?" You shake your head to his question. 

"No.. but I have been meaning to ask you something.." you rub your neck as jake pulls away enough to look at you. 

"Oh well you know you can always tell me anything, what is it?" 

"Um.. I kind of planed on showing you instead of trying to say it.. that okay?" 

"You always like to make things hard." Jake chuckles but nods.

you sigh now or never you think as you lean closer reaching up taking his chin in your hand as you press your lips to his, feeling jake go solid as ice only to feel his hand melt onto your shoulder and around to the back of your neck. You smile against his lips as he kisses back, only to pull back seeing blush on jakes cheeks you chuckle. 

"Um.. you were planing on doing more..?" He blushes more you feel your cheeks heating up too.

"no, I just wanted to tell you how I feel.. nothing big.. for now at least." 

"Oh.." 

"you sound disappointed.." 

"always wanted to.. ya know do it.. but if you don't want to.." 

you smirk pulling him closer kissing his jaw. "Never said I didn't want to." You kissed his neck feeling his pulse against your lips. "But only if your mine, if my boyfriend was can do it all night." You whisper to him as you feel his arms pull you close. 

"I'm yours then, yours and only yours.." he said biting his lip as you slid your hand under his shirt only to have him sit back and ripe it off tossing it to the side of the blanket. 

"Who's the impatient one now?" You ask with a smirk as you slid your hand down his chest.

"I've waited for this all my life I can't help it." He said leaning into your touch. 

"Then the waits over, lay back and enjoy the ride." You say pressing him to his back kissing over his neck and collar bone, making him moan and hold on to you tightly. Before you knew it you and jake were shirtless working on losing the lower half as well. 

Once you leaned over a bare English both of you on display for the others eyes. Taking a minute to take it all in before going back to a deep kiss but this time grinding against each other. Blushing lightly when jake landed out your name, you nerver thought you'd find something sound so addicting, wanting to hear that forever you kiss the front of his neck wrapping your hand around his hard dick starting to stroke him, and your were rewarded by a nice loud. 

"D-Dirk~" 

* * *

you flush red hiding your face in the pillows. You can't believe you lost your virginity to jake like that, if you didn't like him you'd call it force. Jake more or lose made you get to the point you just wanted to kiss and cuddle but no...

and then you found him with that guy..

* * *

the next morning you woke first kissing jakes head and pulling the blankets over his still bare body, going to the bathroom to fix yourself, lightly smiling when you see jake left a mark on your neck. When the other get up you quickly get back to the living room.

"Hey babe, ya sleep well?" You say as you round the corner to the living room but see him on the phone. 

"-sure, just let me eat and get dressed then I'll be over." Jake says quickly before hanging up and smiling your way. 

"Who was that?" You said as you picked up your clothes from the night before.

"the friend I ran into yesterday, he was wanting some help with something." He said as he put on his boxers before jumping up. "I got breakfast." He said running to the kitchen. 

You sigh finding a bit odd but you trusted him for some reason. Cleaning up the mess from last night till you smell the food and go sit in the kitchen. 

"Your not gonna be gone all day again, are you?" You ask as he set down a plate full of pancakes and you start eating. 

"I might, don't know." You nod hesitantly. 

He didn't come back..

instead you had to go find him and when you did, he was just around the corner making out with someone who had dark green dyed hair. You felt yourself break, running over you pull the asshole off of jake throwing him to the ground and kicking him in the gut hard. 

"Dirk!! Stop!" Jake yelled helping you snap back into what you were doing to the other. Jake knelt down the other."cal..? You okay."

* * *

You sigh turning on your phone pulling up jakes number just looking at it not sure if you should delete it or save it. You go to text Dave anyways. 

**TT: Hey Dave how are you and john doing?**

**TG: doing good, thanks for askin.**

**TT: No problem..**

 

 

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

I really love this work but it was my first piece of writing and I know I can do better. I might try and rewrite it or some. I don't know yet. Thank you all who took time to read this dave/john mixed feelingredients in high school. May thematic name isent yet relevant anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> ...So?  
>  How is it so far? Want more?  
> Just tell me  
> 


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